No Words

There are no words strong enough for how I am feeling right now. The goodness of God I have been experiencing cannot be described. I often wonder if certain things were left out of the Bible for the very same reasons for how I feel right now. Some things seem to only be explainable in spiritual terms that have no words.

I sometimes try to write what I'm experiencing and how I am feeling. I suppose some of what I say and write is good enough to convey something. I've learned to accept that I cannot always translate what is in my soul in a way that would communicate it well to another person. Is that okay? I hope so. Is it that I feel I want to communicate, or do I feel everyone needs to know, how I feel? For now, there will be times when there simply are no words.

I'm back to work today. I've been off for the past four days. It feels good to be back at the job. There is a lot going on right now and I've been keeping busy. Last week was a great week of productivity that set me up to have a great week this week as well. I hope to accomplish quite a bit in the week to come.

I'm pondering my trip to Indiana. I plan to drive. So, I'll travel on the weekends as to not need to take time off work. I haven't decided if I'll be there for one week or two. With all that is going on with work, one week seems smart. But I may also be able to make it work out to be more productive if I remain up there for two. So many things to consider...hehehe

One thought I had was to rent a workspace or find some other place to go other than my parents' house while I work. Regardless where I work from, meetings are the hardest part. I don't have a good headset. The software we use for meetings doesn't handle headsets well. Everyone that uses any sort of headset or headphones seems to struggle on calls. I just use the laptop. But I always work from somewhere that allows me to do that. It's like a speakerphone setup. If I'm somewhere that I cannot do that, I simply do not do those meetings...LOL Or I put myself in Do Not Disturb...LOL Yeah, I cannot do that for two full weeks...LOL Perhaps I can use my phone for the voice part of the calls? Hmmm

I just got up from a nap. I've been taking a quick 15-20 minute nap a few times a week lately. I never realized the power of an afternoon nap...LOL Sure, I had naps as a child. Sure, I've fallen asleep while watching TV. But to intentionally take a nap as an adult now is a blessing...hehehe I don't track my naps like I do my nighttime sleep. I'm not sure my watch can track naps, actually. But I do recall having dreams this time. So, I must have dropped into REM a few moments. The fondest of the dreams was of Cherie and I dancing. My mind must of drawn from our actual dancing on Friday...hehehe That makes sense because I keep thinking about that day ❤️

It is difficult to choose my favorite moment that day. I had such a wonderful day overall. Even before Cherie arrived, I was having a blessed time. This is a odd moment to call blessed, but there was this one moment when a guy looked at my attire and made a rude comment about how he thought dapper day was the previous week. I kindly agreed that dapper day was the Sunday before and that I just enjoyed dressing up. It felt blessed because I didn't really react. I simply responded. For years, I lacked confidence due to trauma. It was so amazing to feel healed and to confidently state that I was simply doing something I enjoy. I felt no embarrassment and I didn't even take offense to his rudeness. I feel really good about that.

As this year draws to a close, I've been thinking about how I would like to continue this blog. I need to archive this year in some manner. I host the site myself using a platform designed for documentation. Each day I write, it has to recompile the entire site. Now that there are so many entries, the length of time it takes to compile the whole thing and the resources it takes to do it have grown. So, in the new year, I don't want the system to have to compile everything from this year too. Something I'm considering is actually moving to a third-party platform like Blogspot. I chose do the site myself because I'm a software engineer and it is fun to work behind the scenes. I don't have a hard requirement to host it myself, though. Either way, I'll be keeping a copy of this year's entries online somehow. I'll link to the archive from whatever I chose to do next year...hehehe

I just finished some required training for work. It is compliance training as the company is a servicer of student loans. From time to time we must do training. It isn't directly related to my job most of the time. But we all must do it. There have been a few that are specific to what I do. But those are rare.

The training system with this new company has taught me patience...hehehe The modules really do not give you an idea of how much is left. The slides are numbered. But you don't know if there will be a test until you get through the slides. And then once you do a test, you don't know if there is another module coming next. I think it shows you how many there will be when you first start. But as you go, there isn't a progress system to show you. Also, if you get any of the questions wrong on the test, you don't know what the correct answers are until you are completely finished with the whole thing. I'd prefer to know what I missed as I go along since it is fresh on my mind...hehehe

Anyway, the way those work has really helped with my patience. It has taught me that it's okay to not know what lies ahead sometimes. There are times when I know I must go through something no matter what. Not knowing what is happening next is okay because no matter what it is, I must face it anyway. Although it is great to prepare for what comes next, oftentimes all the preparation I think I need to do is futile because I don't actually know what to expect. If I trust that God has provided all I need when I need it, that's all I should focus on.

Funny how a required training module can get me thinking about that...LOL

Well, I finally got around to enrolling in my benefits for 2025. Open enrollment began last week while I was in California. I decided I would wait until I was home to go through it all. I basically went with what I already had and the health insurance part will cost me $11 more. But something else was reduced by $100...so I'm actually saving $89 per paycheck next year...LOL

I once had an employer who paid 100% of the premiums. I basically had free healthcare for about six years. I loved those bosses...hehehe Unfortunately, their generosity cost them in the end when the contract I was part of wasn't renewed. It was a huge contract worth millions, if I recall. They kept most of us on for as long as they could after that contract ended. But eventually, everyone was let go and only the two founding partners remained. I think they might still be in business? I hope so because they were a couple of great dudes!

Grateful is one of those words I'm finding to not be strong enough anymore...hehehe It seems like such a powerful word. The feeling behind the word is definitely powerful. But I'm feeling as though the word itself has become like the word awesome. Awesome seems like a word I should only use for God. Yet, it is common to say something is awesome, no matter how great or trivial it may be.

Love is another such word. The feeling behind the word is powerful. I love a lot of things and a lot of people. But I don't love all things or people to the same degree. My love for God and certain people far exceeds anything else. Should I reserve the phrases I love that/it or I love you for just those very special instances?

This topic is somewhat why I chose today's title, No Words. In some cases, there really just aren't any words that can communicate how I feel. I wonder if I might be overusing such words as grateful, love, and awesome?

I'm not actually calling this out as something bad, though. Words are just words. Actions based on the meanings of the words are where it actually counts, when it concerns how I feel. And the actions never need to be grand. If all I have in me to give is a little, giving that little may just be as grand as when I'm able to give a lot. There is no way to measure this on the outside. It is all about what is in my heart.

I watched Bambi II for the first time tonight. I enjoyed it! It is quite silly...hehehe Especially in comparison to the original film. I enjoyed Sir Patrick Stewart being the voice of Bambi's father, the Great Prince of the Forest. I decided to watch it because of Cherie. I asked her the other night what movie we should watch this week...hehehe She suggested Bambi II. I say that as if we watch movies together often...LOL No, this was the first time. I got the idea over the weekend when I was watching Mary Poppins and she mentioned I inspired her to watch it too...hehehe I watched Mary Poppins because of our Jolly Holiday on Friday. I'm not sure if she watched the entire movie like I did. But she did mention that she watched the Jolly Holiday scene...hehehe

I ended up recording two versions of me singing Jolly Holiday yesterday...hehehe The first became a Budford classic...LOL It was all about him, of course...hehehe The other was a warm hug for Cherie. I did the latter version because I somewhat attempted to sing that to her in DCA when she mentioned we should go to the Jolly Holiday Bakery Cafe in DL for our snack. I brought that full circle by giving it a better go from home...LOL The trouble I had live and in person Friday was that I had forgotten some of the words in my effort to interject her name in place of Mary...hehehe That's easier for me to do at home with some practice...LOL

I don't recall the other song I sang on Friday. It was when we entered Avenger's Campus and there was an oldie playing during an act by Star Lord (Peter Quill) and Gamora in front of the Guardian's ride. I started to dance and sing that one to Cherie too. We were on our way to Cars Land for Cher Boom at the time...hehehe Things like that are why I love Disney parks. I feel so free to be me there. No one judges me for being silly...hehehe

I've started being silly in the general public this year. Although, I do observe people's reactions when I do so. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. If I get the sense someone is uncomfortable, I dial it in...hehehe At Disney, no one is uncomfortable with that. It seems almost expected for people to spontaneously dance and sing along with the ambience. That isn't quite so normal in general outside of a theme park, of course...LOL What I have found is that people are generally accepting when I do dance or sing randomly, though. Perhaps the impact social media has had on society has made people more accepting of public entertainment from strangers...LOL I don't record these things and post, though...LOL

I wrote today as if I were doing a timestamp entry. But I left the timestamps off today. The timestamps from a few weeks ago were like training wheels. Today, I took the training wheels off...hehehe This entry is the result. Besides leaving out timestamps, the only other difference for today's entry and other entries is that I did title this one before I started writing. I had the inspiration to write a little about having no words for how I feel lately. But the rest of the entry is as random as a timestamp entry would be...LOL