I'm Glad I Wrote This
I was a little sad over the weekend. Nothing to be concerned about. In general, I'm still quite happy. It was just a feeling of sadness that kept me thinking. I suppose I've actually been a bit sad for a bit. I've been quiet sometimes. I've been holding back a bit too. Again, nothing to worry about, really. Last night I got to thinking...I'm just tired. I'm physically, mentally, and spiritually worn.
This month, I've taken a break from my typical lifestyle. I haven't gone out and done much. I haven't even been to Disney in a month. I have only eaten out once in the past month or so. I did take myself to a movie and I went out for some ice cream. Those were very much needed distractions in those moments. I suppose in a way, I've been preparing myself for my upcoming trip to California.
I was talking with my parents last night about how I think I'll be going back to my regular lifestyle after that trip. When I return from California, I'm likely going to go to Disney, maybe the beach, and perhaps get back out on the water. I've not done any of that in so long. Then again, I may not do any of that when I return...hehehe Some things I feel like a need to plan. Other things really do not need planning.
I think one of the things that has been making me sad is my church situation. Yesterday, I decided it was time for me to leave theChapel. Now I have to decide how to handle that. I don't feel obligated to announce it or anything. By handle, I really mean how do I answer people who ask me about it. And how do I handle their reaction. I shouldn't care what people think about what I need to do with my life. But I do care how it affects them. I have friends there that could be impacted by this decision. Do I tell them now? Or do I simply wait and see if they reacted to it. I may draft a text and send it to them individually. I imagine they'll all be okay with it. Perhaps a little disappointed. And if they don't react to it, I think that'll be great. If I have no impact, that's for the best. I don't expect a reaction. I'm just thinking about preparing in case there is one...hehehe
What's next for dear old Greg? I haven't a clue...LOL But I am pretty excited for it. My new outlook on my life this year has been really nice. The heart transformation God has been doing in my life has changed my perspective. It's a bit difficult to explain. Perhaps there are glimpses of it in my journal here? I suppose only God and I truly know what is going on inside this heart of mine. As I mentioned above, I've been holding back a bit. I've been quiet about some of it. I feel that's okay. Are we meant to show everything about ourselves to everyone? I don't think so. Being vulnerable to everyone in my life has been problematic at times...hehehe
I need to be discerning about what I show to people. I need to set boundaries. And those who prove themselves trustworthy can get past the boundaries they've earned the right to cross. One thing I don't want to do is allow my past hurt and pain to keep from from enjoying the blessings others can bring. Not everyone is the same. Just because I was hurt by person X doesn't mean person Y is going to hurt me. I cannot measure Y with the same scale as X. They are different people, right?!?
The same is true for experiences. Just because one experience was bad doesn't mean the next one is going to be bad. I've learn this to be true with Disney World, as an example. I had a bad experience there to start off my year. But I have since replaced that bad moment with so many really great moments. One of my most recent experiences there would never had happened if I would have giving up on Disney as I wanted to at the beginning of the year. The experience I'm referring to is the one where Pluto came up to me on my last visit to EPCOT.
I'm glad I'm writing today. I already feel better. Sometimes it just takes getting these things out of my mind and into words...hehehe
I've been in a lot of pain for several days. And I do mean a lot...hehehe I've mostly been experiencing it all in my back. I think that part was due to my chair. That chair is torture. I'm ready to replace it...LOL Today, I'm having a flare up in my upper jaw. The combination of the back and jaw pain has now caused me to have a headache. This trifecta of pain is now affecting my vision. That's never a good sign...hehehe But it always passes. I imagine it will all clear up by the end of the week. It needs to...hehehe I leave for California next week...LOL
This is my last week at my current company. I started as a contractor 4 years ago during the lock downs of 2020. I was hired to work on an AI chatbot to respond to customers' questions about how the pandemic affected their accounts with us. Just over a year later, I was hired as an internal employee and moved on to other work within the company. As I mentioned in January, the company is now outsourcing our work to another company. And, as I also mentioned a few weeks ago, I'm now moving over to the new company. So I'll be a contractor once again...hehehe
One of my colleagues reach out to me today to let me know this is their last week, period. The company decided to lay off him and his team. He is being given a severance package that will allow him to take some time off before needing to find a new opportunity. I've had the honor of working with him for about 3 years now. I don't know if we'll keep in touch or not. We do have each other's contact information. But I don't always stay in touch with former colleagues. We often, and organically, drift apart after our career ties are severed.
This eventuality reminds me of how this has been with my friendships over the years. I've had countless relationships end because our mutual connection ended. It's easy to drift when parting ways. It can take hard work to maintain a relationship when the original connections change or evolve. It makes me cherish the relationships I have with people that aren't hard work at all. Some of my relationships are just so natural that nothing seems to get in the way. They remain strong regardless of our individual circumstances.
On my morning walk today, I got to thinking about regrets. I realize I don't actually have any regrets now. I live my life and whatever happens, happens. I learn what I can from my circumstances and move on. The past is gone and I'm daily trying to do the next right thing. But I did want to find a word for the part of me that feels guilt and shame for how my decisions impact others. I found the word: remorse.
Although I try to do my best with what I've got, there are times when my mistakes do affect other people. I feel remorse for the negative impact I've made on them. Just like I must do, they need to learn from those circumstances and move on. I'm not responsible to help them get through it. However, I feel guilt and shame over it. I may not be responsible for their response...yet I am responsible for why they need to respond. I'm so sorry. I'll do better next time. I will make sure to live out my remorse by not repeating those mistakes to the best of my ability.
There have been a few people in my life who recently commented on how fast life seems to be going these days. I had noticed this a little bit ago in my own life. I also thought about why this might occur. For me, it was the you only life once mentality. There have been seasons of my life where I wanted to do as much as possible to get the most out of life. It was a fear of life passing me by and leaving me behind.
Well, okay life, you go on and pass me by...LOL Go on now...git! HAHAHA I've decided to make some changes to slow things down a bit. I wanted to take a more quality over quantity approach to my life.
Oddly enough, this somewhat began as a part of my health journey. When I eat, I put my fork/spoon/chopsticks down between bites. Food spends more time in my mouth before I swallow. One of the reasons I started doing this was to slow down my eating and give my body a chance to process each bite...thus telling my brain when I'm actually full. When I use to scarf down my food, I'd overeat. Portion control wasn't enough. I needed to intentionally experience my food by slowing down.
I'm rarely in a rush anymore. I have an I'll get there when I get there attitude. This works really well for all of the activities I do on my own. However, when I am meeting up with someone, what I'll do is give myself plenty of time to get where I'm going. Even if that means sacrificing doing more that day, I'll make sure I'll be early somewhere whenever possible on those occasions when I'm meeting up with people. I certainly do not ever want them to be waiting on me. But I also don't want to feel rushed trying to get someplace. By giving myself plenty of time or being early, I'm almost never late and I can still take my time going. I get a sense of relaxation knowing that I'm rarely running late.
Living in the moment helps with this as well. I do that by rarely pulling out my phone. I do get it out to take photos and videos to capture the moment. But you really won't ever find me posting on social media while I'm out and about doing an activity. I do post on occasion. But that is rare these days. I also send photos and videos to my closest friends. But that's just me sharing the moment with people I love and sometimes it's well after the moment actually occurred. I very much embrace what it is I'm doing as I'm doing it. As a part of this, I do not over plan my activities. I find a few key moments to plan for. Then I just let whatever happens around those few moments to be what they are. Allowing serendipity to play are part in my day makes for some really amazing moments to take place.
I stewed apples for the first time tonight...hehehe I must say that I really love doing this! They taste really good and they are so much easier to eat. The process is easy, yet soothing. It reminds me of how I make my coffee. It takes time; therefore patience. It is another way I can force myself to slow down and enjoy a moment. Processing my food myself gives me that opportunity to embrace my moments while also treating my body better. It really makes my heart happy.
I mentioned earlier that I may go back to my typically lifestyle after my California trip. That does not include my going back to my old schedule and routine. I really love my new schedule and routine. I don't think I could go back...hehehe Actually, this schedule and routine is likely to make it easier to do some of those lifestyle things I enjoy. Take Disney for example...I get up early enough to drive over there around the time the parks open. I could stay there all day, drive home, and still have plenty of time to wind down for the day before falling asleep at 1-1:30 am...LOL Of course, that's if I actually wanted to spend all day there. I don't typically do that.
One thing this schedule does not account for are early mornings for getting out on the water. The best time to be out there is around 7 am. I would have to go to bed early the night before getting out on the water. Either that or wake up early and maybe take a nap later in the day. In order to be on the water by 7-7:30 am, I would have to be awake around 5:45-6 am. Where I go takes me about 40 minutes to drive. The main reason it's best to be out early is due to the crowds. I don't like dealing with all the traffic there. If I get there early, I can be out for a few hours and be ready to leave around the time it starts getting busy...hehehe I don't mind people. There are just so many of them sometimes...LOL
Aside from the pain I'm experiencing, I've had a really good day. At work, it's mostly tasks to prepare for the big change coming next Monday. It's funny how I'll be leaving for California right after the change. But that's better than if I would have planned my trip for this coming weekend. I might have had to cancel. There is another major event occurring the day I get back. But that one doesn't involve me directly. It'll be okay for me to deal with that upon my return. The one happening in a week is more hands on for me. So, it all worked out just fine. I didn't plan it to work out. It's as if God made it all work out...hehehe