Happy Father's Day!

Huge shout out to our Heavenly Father 🙌 I love you God! Thank You for creating me! You are my provider and Your loving kindness endures forever 🙌🙏

I think this is the second Father's Day I wasn't with my father or son. Last year, I went to Disney World...hehehe This year, I'm at home. When I first moved to Florida, I traveled to Indiana every month. I'm certain my June trip was Father's Day weekend that year. So I was able to spend that year's holiday with them. One of my church friends mentioned this morning some statistic that this holiday was ranked 15th in how much importance people put in a holiday. Christmas ranked #1, of course. I think Mother's Day was #2?

I feel slightly disconnected from this holiday myself. Although I'd classify my father as a good dad, we never really connected in a way that made me feel close to him. We have similar interests and all. But his personality and lack of connection with others outside of the intellectual somewhat pushed me away as a kid. And we never really connected as adults either. I'm not complaining. Just stating a fact. I'm very grateful for all he is to me. He always loves us in his own ways. As a father myself, I have felt disconnected from my own son since he was 4. I've been there for him as best I can with our situation. I'm making the most of it. Again, not complaining and simply stating the fact that I feel disconnected.

I only attended 2 church services today...hehehe Of course, both sermons were about being a father...LOL Both messages were a reminder that I am not a Biblical father. That makes me a bit sad, really. But I also find joy in how I've made the most of what I was able to be considering the circumstances. I decided not to try that 3rd church this weekend because I figure it was going to be another sermon on being a father...hehehe

I was reminded today that I really did give it my best for my son and the 2 stepsons I had for a brief time. I was reminded that, although I had no control over the circumstances that divided us, I did all that I could with what I had when I was able. Yes, part of my move to Florida came with it a sense of giving up. But on the flip side, I knew things were only going to get worse had I stayed in Indiana.

I was trying to find a description for how I feel today. Am I happily sad or sadly happy? The former makes it sound like I'm happy about being sad...hehehe The latter, I'm sad about being happy...hehehe Perhaps I'm just joyful? I'm neither happy or sad about how it all turned out. But I am content with it. I've taken a sad song and made it better.

No one but God truly knows how I feel or what I've been through. I haven't gone into an details about why I've said any of the above. Part of the reason I don't talk about it openly yet is that I'm trying to focus on the positives. If I were to write my story today, I'm likely to write more about hate than love. God is transforming my heart to view all of my past through a new lens. One that reveals where He was working in my life. The more I'm able to focus on what all happened through that perspective, the more likely I'll be able to write in such a way that it is encouraging and uplifting.

I recently questioned if I am a positive person. My conclusion, and that of my deer friend, is that I am indeed a positive person. I love so much more than I hate. That's why I am not ready to write a memoir just yet. I also recently mentioned I might be ready to start talking about some of it, though. I have healed so well through God's Grace. Just thinking about the positives calms my heart. So I can begin talking about parts of it, I think. I feel I can be an encouragement to others who have gone through similar experiences. I think it's important for me to use what I've learned to help others on their journey. That's why I keep doing Vitamin G...hehehe

One of the positives that has come of the circumstances of the gap between my son and I is Malachi's response to our recent conversations. He thanked me for being his dad. He made mention of the growth he has seen in me and he even tells other people about it. Although he is struggling to put into practice what I am teaching him, he has expressed gratitude for how I handle him as his father. I never raise my voice at him, I encourage and support him in what he loves, and I'm teaching him valuable life lessons. I'm encouraging him to look to God for guidance without being preachy or even making church an obligation. I've spoken to him at length about how I feel a relationship with God is far more important than any religious acts.

He's on his own journey now. I'll continue to pray for him and be there for him as he needs. I'll encourage him as best I can. He's a great person. His struggles aren't unlike my own. If he comes to me for advice, I'll be ready. For now, I'll just listen to him and do my best to be the father he needs right now in this season. This is a season for him...it has a beginning and an end.

I've had a productive day. I did my usual weekly church services this morning. For lunch, I made a pair of egg sandwiches. I toasted everything bagels with a coat of ghee, fried an egg with ghee and mushrooms, tossed on spinach and arugula, and topped that with Sriracha sauce. They were very tasty! For dinner, I made spaghetti. I picked up a garlic marinara sauce at Sprouts and added mushrooms and a plant-based ground beef alternative (safe ingredients...none of that Impossible or Beyond meats junk). I also toasted up some sourdough with a coat of ghee and garlic and paprika powders. I made enough to have that for 3 meals. So I still have 2 leftover meals with that...hehehe I've written this journal entry and I did some devotional studies. The one from The Chosen was as amazing as usual. A very timely topic again...Anxiety! I still have a daily cup of anxi-tea every day...LOL (I got that tea part from Inside Out 2 🤭) Here in a bit, I think I'll be working on one of my projects and I may watch today's episode of The Chosen. Ooh, and I had my weekly call with my parents. It was a lovely conversation. I'm grateful for them.

I'm really feeling productive with this current schedule and routine I'm on. So, I'm going to keep at it for the time being. I know the tone of the beginning of this entry seems a tad down. But I'm really not down or depressed. That's why I think I'm feeling some joy about it all. I think my reflection notes for today's The Chosen devotional may have had a similar vibe? Sometimes I re-read what I wrote and think it sounds a bit depressing. Yet, I'm far from depressed. I guess it is all just raw. But like honey, the raw unprocessed byproduct is the healthiest.