So Many Things and More to Come
Back to It
Wow! It sure has been a while since I’ve written. At least as far as publishing anything I’ve written…hehehe Today, I’m going to journal as I feel inspired. At a quick glance, I’ve actually written 5 journal entries I never published over the last few weeks…LOL I may want to pull some things out of those individual attempts at writing and throw them into today’s entry xD
Despite my lack of writing, I’m doing quite well. In the past, there have been times when I took a break from writing to balancing my mind a bit. That was not the case in this brief absence. Last week, my parents were here. I started to write at the beginning of the week. But I quickly realized I couldn’t keep up with it. I did write an entire entry on Friday. But I didn’t publish it. It was an attempt to journal about a day at Disney. The day was fine. Journaling as I went did not go so fine…LOL That’s okay. I’m very glad I attempted it. I’ll learn from the experience and try again another time using some ideas that came from the day.
Spiritual Exit
Something interesting happened today. I went to church as usual. I interacted with people as I would any given Sunday. And I participated in worship. But at the conclusion of the worship time, I was called by the Holy Spirit to suddenly, and seemingly out of character, leave. Nothing bad had happened and nothing triggered me. God simply had other plans for my path this morning. I started to try and figure out why He would call me to do it. Then I realized I had searched for meaning before and strayed from the path He wanted me on by leaning on my own understanding. So I simply let go and let God take me where He wanted me to go. I don’t need to understand what He is doing and why He is doing it. I want to accept that God knows what He is doing and His plans are great. I shot off a text to Kerry to reassure him I’m fine. He has worried about me in the past. So, I wanted him to know I was simply called away.
Alcohol Check In
On Thursday, my parents and I went to California Grill for dinner. I think it was the week before when I talked about how I wasn’t sure if I’d get the wine pairings or not. I have been abstaining from alcohol for physical and spiritual reasons. My dad went for the signature pairings and I decided I’d go ahead and partake in the deluxe pairings. The wine did enhance the meal well and made for a very enjoyable experience. So I’m glad I did it. That’s all the alcohol I’ve had for the last month or so. I had self control after the meal and didn’t partake in further consumption. The waiter made a mistake on one of my pairings and ended up giving me an extra drink to make up for it. It felt like a reward for being good this last month…hehehe My metabolism is strong and I didn’t get buzzed from what I drank that night. Remaining sober felt important to the experience. And now that I’m past it, I’m confident that I no longer want to consume alcohol on a regular basis. This past month has taught me I really do not want alcohol as a regular part of my diet any longer. I never did drink a lot in the first place. And I’ve only been drinking regularly since 2017. So, not very long at all. But being more in tune with my body now, I’m learning what is best for my body, soul, and mind.
Tuning In
This whole being in tune with myself lately has been a life changing experience. Although I still live in the moment, I’m no longer living for the moment. I’m making decisions now that reflect more about having a future and making it a future worth having. My emotional and impulsive nature is taking a backseat to a more reserved and responsible spirit. I’ve never done anything completely irrational or crazy. But I have consciously made decisions with the thought of, well, I may die by tomorrow, so why not. Yes, this could possibly be my last day in this world. But it might not be! I cannot make decisions on the unknown. My decisions must be made based on what I do know. And I must proceed with prayer and reading the Word. God must be my guide. He knows the order of my days. My days were ordained by Him before any of them came to be. He knows what I’m going to say and do before I even think it. So, why not looked to Him for how I should live my life?!? LOL By saying I’m in tune with myself, I’m actually speaking more about how I’m tuning into God more lately.
Grateful
The current devotional I’m doing with Chérie, The Chosen: Book One, has really been opening up my soul to the abuse I’ve experienced. I don’t really talk about it much yet. But I have mentioned a little bit about it in my reflection notes with her. I briefly touched on it again today with Day 24: Clean. I want to write so much more than I do when I think about what has happened and how God is turning it all around. Something that stood out to me today is how I am grateful for what I went through. It seems so backward to be grateful for trauma. No, I would not want to choose to experience trauma again. However, being on the other side of it now, I’m confident in what God is doing in my life. He allowed it for a reason. I just cannot help but be grateful. For example, when something seemingly bad happens now, I’m like well, I’ve been through worse! There is always the possibility I’ll eventually experience something worse than the abuse I suffered. There are plenty of things that could happen that I’d rather not go through. But God will get me through anything else just as He did before. He is faithful and His goodness comforts me.
Worship Technology
A little over a week ago, I wrote a brief note in a devotional I was doing with Kerry, The Soul of a Worship Leader. I wanted to include it my journal entry that day. Alas, I never published it…LOL So, here we go:
I absolutely love technology. It helps me with my weaknesses. I used to get frustrated and angry when technology failed me. Now, when something isn’t working, I can walk away from it and go back to it later. I’ll try a reset. But resets don’t always work if the problem isn’t with the device in hand; but rather a remote system instead. This isn’t how God works, however. He too helps me with my weaknesses. But He never fails. God doesn’t need a reset button. My true help comes from the Lord, maker of Heaven and earth. In my relationship with Him, I’m the one who fails. I’m the one who needs a reset. And unlike technology problems, God’s remote system is never the source of the trouble. It is I, the device, that is the problem. Through His Grace and Truth, I am restored to full working order.
A Day at Disney
Here is the entry I didn’t get around to publishing on Friday. I think it is worth sharing today. But as you read it, go back in time in your mind to a few days ago…hehehe
7:00 am (2024/05/17)
It has been an interesting week for the most part. I’ve not been journaling mostly because I’m juggling an alternate routine this week. My parents came down last weekend for the week as I’ve mentioned. It is always nice to have them for a visit. They are a blessing I’m very grateful for. This morning, I’ll have breakfast with them and then they’ll be on their way back to Indiana. We spent the day at the Disney parks yesterday and had a lovely dinner last night. We stayed the night.
I’ll spend part of the day at the parks on my own today after breakfast. I’m going to attempt to do a timestamp journal today to see how that feels for a day at Disney. My first park is Magic Kingdom. I was able to join the virtual queue for Tron. I imagine my group will get called while I’m at breakfast. So I’ll have to see if they’ll let me on a little late. I think they will since I’m not going to try it at night time. They are strict about that after dark. But earlier in the day, I believe they are more loose about late arrivals. Plus I have a dining reservation for the breakfast.
8:00 am (2024/05/17)
I’m having sensory overload at the moment. I’m a very quiet person. Especially in the morning. Interacting with my parents all morning has been a challenge for me. Especially my dad. He is loud…hehehe
I don’t think I’ll get to an anxiety attack, though. I’m journaling about it to get it out of my head. Writing helps center and calm me…hehehe
I’m ready to get on with my day now. We should be leaving for breakfast soon.
I didn’t sleep well last night. But that’s okay. I mostly sleep fantastic now. So these random poor sleep nights really don’t bother me…hehehe
1:15 pm (2024/05/17)
Breakfast was really good. Our server was amazing. We went to Whispering Canyon at the Wilderness Lodge. They always have humorous service telling puns throughout the meal. Shortly after breakfast, mom and dad began their journey home. That’s when I did my The Chosen devotional for today. I found a quiet spot at Wilderness Lodge to do that. I ended up writing 3 pages today…hehehe Then I headed over to Magic Kingdom to ride Tron. Now I’m waiting for the river boat. I want to go take a picture of the deer…hehehe
Going back to sensory overload this morning, the problem is with me. Yes, my dad can be loud. But he’s just being him. Nothing out of the ordinary. I’m the sensitive one. I don’t want it to come across that he is a problem. Because he is not at all. I think the devotional set my spirit back on track for the day. I’ve felt much better after I did that. I clearly have more healing to do. But God is healing me. I praise Him for what He is doing in my life!
Well, it’s time to get on the river boat!
3:00 pm (2024/05/17)
The river boat ride was nice. It had been a while since I last enjoyed that. It doesn’t feel long enough, though…hehehe After that, I looked into doing the Jungle Cruise and Pirates. Both were too busy for me. I then thought about food. I ended up deciding to head over to EPCOT. That’s where I am now. I still haven’t eaten…hehehe I needed to take a break and do something lite journaling and grabbed a bottle of water.
I’m at that point in my day where I need to decide if I’ll stay much longer or head on home. I’ll probably grab something to eat here at EPCOT and I’m thinking about heading over to Hollywood Studios. I’ll be back next weekend for a little bit. I am currently planning on doing a Disney day on Memorial Day. I’m not really feeling it today, actually. Luckily I’m sharing some of the magic with Chérie and Tye. That’s helping make the day feel fun. This journaling my day thing while it’s happening really isn’t working well…hehehe I have my phone in low battery mode to make sure I have enough juice to use it for texts and checking the MDE app. So I’m journaling from my iPad since the phone doesn’t seem to sync my journal notes well in low battery mode. I might be able to plan journaling better for a future trip to the parks. I’d really like to get good at writing while here because some of the magic happens in the moment and I’d love to express my thoughts and emotions as they happen. Practice makes progress…hehehe
4:30 pm (2024/05/17)
I’m sitting in the annual pass holder lounge for a break from the heat. Today is so much hotter than yesterday. Today feels like Florida…hehehe
So, I gave my new phone tripod and microphones a try. I like to think I don’t really care what other people think about me. But that tripod sure had me self conscious…LOL I snapped a cool selfie with the Olaf statue. I tried to do a silly video. But that didn’t really work out. I’ll have to practice that at home. I did try doing some videos while holding the tripod to see what that was like. The action mode on the iPhone helped make the motion smooth as I was walking. I’m glad to see I can walk with the tripod without taking the phone off. Oh, wait, I did do one silly video. The original video was a minute long. I cut it down to the last 5 seconds for the silly part. But I still have the full video in case I ever want to do something with it.
I think I’m going to go over to Hollywood Studios next. I’d like to do my spin in front of the Chinese Theatre with my tripod to record me spinning. I hope that turns out.
The microphones are working out. I have some things to learn with that. But the dead cats are cutting out the wind for sure. I just need to learn about the settings the microphones have for louder noises. I tried to record some drummers and the sound didn’t work out. There are settings to adjust the sensitivity.
I think I’m going to do some writing this weekend. I have some deep thoughts to explore that I haven’t really been able to do while using this timestamp format the last few weeks. I hope I make time for that this weekend…hehehe
5:30 pm (2024/05/17)
I did it!!! I got my spin shot…LOL It’s silly. But that’s part of who I am…hehehe xD I love the silly side. Life needs a bit of silly. Even if I never show the entire world, those I do show it to get to enjoy one of my favorite parts of me.
I’ve been contemplating myself a lot today. I’m encouraged. God is doing something in me right now and I love it. It has been painful. It has been difficult. But God is giving me strength to get through it. I will not ask Him to remove me from my circumstances like I use to. I’m grateful He is getting me through it. Every time I have these trials, I come out the other side a stronger person. And God is drawing me closer to Him through this. I’m really excited about what He is doing right now. A year ago, I would not have made a silly video of myself spinning in front of the Chinese Theatre…LOL Yet, here I am enjoying the memory of having done that today…hehehe xD
Mack is on his way to hang out this evening. I’m looking forward to seeing him. He should be here shortly, depending on traffic. He got off work around 4:30 pm. He sent me a nice text this morning. So I invited him to join me tonight.
I also got a check in email from one of my friends in the UK. I think Alex was worried about me. He didn’t say anything about my absence from social media. And I didn’t address it myself. But the fact he emailed me tells me he has noticed I have been offline for a few weeks. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. But I also don’t feel like I need to announce my absence…hehehe People do that for attention mostly. Not everyone does. But I definitely never want to come across as someone looking for attention. I just need breaks sometimes…hehehe When I go back online, I’m not planning to address it. I’ll just start engaging again. I do appreciate it when people check up on me, though. Some of the best friends I’ve ever had are those who have checked in on me the last few years. They are friends I now talk to daily, or at least weekly, offline.
More to Come
I have more I wanted to write about. But since I included some content from other attempts at journaling, I’m going to call today’s finished. Sometimes I don’t mind writing a lot. When there is a lot to say, it should be said. There isn’t a formula to how I write or how long it is. I just don’t feel like having this one be super long today. With it being almost a week since I’ve posted, this is good enough…hehehe