Great Expectations

Today, I'd like to talk about expectations and how they relate to how I respond to my world. As I mentioned yesterday, I've been experiencing some sadness this week. And I also mentioned how I find it difficult to trust people with my feelings. When I strip away the circumstances (people, places, and things), I'm left with only my expectations. Do those expectations have a direct correlation to my feelings? Let's find out, shall we...hehehe

I'm not going to go in depth into any specific circumstances here. I don't feel it is necessary to do so. But perhaps I'll use some high level examples along the way that draw from my own experiences?

I have found that I set a certain level of expectation in my own mind about certain things. Take a movie or TV show for example. I'll watch the previews and get in my mind of how well I'll like the show. I think previews are designed for that very purpose. They are to entice me to go watch whatever it is. If I set my expectations too high and the show does not quite meet what I think it should be for me, then I'm left with disappointment. If I set my expectations too low and the show outperforms those expectations, then I'm left not only feeling fulfilled in my decision to see the show, I might actually think it is far better than what it really is.

The same can be said about the places I go to. Oftentimes I'll set a level of expectation in my mind about what I'll experience when I'm planning a trip somewhere new. If I have to travel far or if it will cost a significant amount, I really want that place to delivery an experience well worth the cost or travel time. If the experience is far better than I expected, great! However, when if falls short, those bad experiences can leave me with a bad impression of where I've been.

When it comes to people, I think I do the same thing. But with people, things get a little more complicated. With places and things, it's typically about what I can get out of those things or experiences. That isn't the case with people. I have to set my expectations not only for them, but also more so for myself. It isn't about what I can get out of my interactions with them. I must also consider what they get out of their interactions with me.

To further complicate matters, it isn't just about our interactions. There are elements such as what the other person may be thinking. How will they react to something I'm doing? How should I react to something they are doing? Do they have noble intentions? Do I have noble intentions myself? How do we feel in that moment? Are they having a bad day? Am I having a bad day? So many factors to consider when setting expectations that it can become overwhelming. And this is only scratching the surface of the complexities of being human.

One of the problems I run into is I get it in my head about what they are probably thinking. But that's solely based on how I think about things. I cannot possible know what they are thinking or how their thought process works. They have to tell me. And if they don't, I can't expect to know what they are actually thinking. I need to ask questions to better understand them. Historically, I have not asked the questions I needed in order to gain that understanding. Instead, I set expectations the other person cannot possibly meet.

Likewise, I am certain it is the other way around. With a very specific exception, people do not generally ask me questions to better understand me or how I think. They are setting expectations of me that I cannot possibly meet.

Either way I look at it, unreasonable expectations can lead to a great deal of misunderstanding. If I set my expectations too high, my image of someone may leave me feeling hurt or disappointed. If I don't set my expectations high enough, they may seem too good to be true, so to speak. I may also find myself being too trusting of the other person if my expectations are too low. And I feel as though I have either hurt and disappointed people or might have been viewed better than I really am by people who set the incorrect expectations of me.

When I began, I stripped away the people, places, and things so I could only see my expectations. I wanted to examine the correlation between expectation and feelings; which at a very high level, I have. At this point, I believe there is a very direct relationship between the two. What I expect out of or give to something seems to have an impact on how I feel about the subject. So where do I go from here?

My first instinct is to strip away expectations altogether. It then becomes an expect nothing and appreciate everything mindset. In the case of places and things, this seems healthy enough. With people, though, it still seems a bit more complicated. Sure, I can expect nothing from them. But does that leave it open for the bad people to get to me? Perhaps I should still at the very least expect them to respect my boundaries. And they should expect the same from me.

This brings me to a very basic principle that I was never taught. It may seem like commonsense. And it probably is. If I want understanding, I should ask questions. If I want to be understood, I should explain. If a relationship is established, I need to ask clarifying questions to understand what my expectations should be and whether their expectations of me are correct or not. I should then share what my expectations are to give them the opportunity to let me know if my expectations are correct or not. It isn't either party's responsibility to read minds, right?

The hurt and pain I've experienced in my life isn't the responsibility of others. It is mine, and mine alone. There are a few exceptions where someone intentionally caused me harm. That's outside the scope of what I'm saying here. But imagine if I had felt this way over the course of my life? I may have caused far less pain for others and experienced far less pain myself had I learned this years ago.

I don't actually regret the years past. Those experiences have made me who I am today. I've learned from them and I'm growing. I'll apply these lessons learned to present and future relationships. I'll also apply this to the places I go and things I do. I'm doing a sort of reset on everything. My expectations of everything will no longer be based on my previous experiences. Having learned from those experiences, I can now approach my expectations and the expectations of others through acquiring understanding and better explaining myself.

This is something I have given a lot of thought to over the last few years. It has been difficult to put it into words until now. Healing has been a slow process. But it is happening. I'm so very grateful for what God has been doing in my life since the end of 2021. More so for the last 18 months. Letting go of the wrong and resentment has been so freeing! And realizing that what I thought was pain caused by others is actually more about my own expectations and the misunderstandings that resulted. The truth can truly set me free!