My Path, Food for Thought, and Love
What is Love?
I've been thinking about love quite a bit lately. Love in its various forms can be a powerful emotion. Love for a child or parent. Love for a friend. Love for a romantic partner. Love for a favorite food. Whatever the case may be, I've been thinking about what love means...to me.
I've leaned towards loving anything that made me feel good in some way. In some ways, that can be okay. But in others, that seems a little off. Just because something makes me feel good doesn't mean it loves me back or is evening something I should be attaching that emotion to in the first place.
I began searching the scriptures about what love really means. I believe that God is love. So it made the most sense to start there. Learning about God's love should be able to help me understand not only what love is and isn't, but also how I should love and what I should love.
Mark 12:28-31 states:
One of the scribes came and heard them questioning together, and knowing that he had answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the greatest of all?” Jesus answered, “The greatest is: ‘Hear, Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. The second is like this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Here, Jesus is answering the question by quoting from the Law. To love something with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength sounds like a lot of dedication! And to love my neighbor as myself seems like a tall order. But it actually makes some sense to me. If I put God and others before myself, only then can I truly understand what love is.
I could dive deeper into this. And probably will. But I wanted to jot down this first scripture here in the journal today. With those being the greatest commandments, that is where I want to start.
As a side note, I've always had trouble with the love your neighbor as yourself concept. I've spent most of my life hating myself. Therefore, to love my neighbor as I would myself meant I was going to hate them instead. It wasn't until recently that I've begun to appreciate who I am. So I am beginning to embrace loving my neighbor now...hehehe
Food for Thought
In my last Food for Thought reflection, I explored a possible healthy attachment I had between my paternal grandfather and coffee. I also decided my next exploration on the topic of attaching people, places, and things to certain emotions would likely be about a not so healthy attachment.
When I would visit Indiana after my move to Florida, I typically dreaded the journey. One of the many reasons for leaving Indiana was due to how all of the trauma I experienced occurred in the mid-west. It isn't the mid-west specifically. Just that it all happened to take place up there. The mid-west is actually a beautiful place to live and visit. However, there are a lot of people, places, and things up there I just don't want to see anymore!
All of that has been a set of triggers for me that not only brought back memories, it would also cause flare ups of the anxiety and depression I suffer from. It could be something as simple as a vehicle that resembled what my abuser drove, or it could be going near a location where the abuse took place. In the case of the vehicle, I would begin to entertain thoughts that the person was stalking me to reengage in the abuse. And when I did actually see some of those people, I would definitely have a flare up! Having the abuse happen to me multiple times by multiple people meant I just had to get out of Indiana.
On my last trip in December 2023, something was different. I had spoken with several friends about my nearly paralyzing fear of going back to Indiana for my Christmas visit. They then prayed for me and my trip. When I initially crossed the border into Indiana, I did have a brief moment where I had slight anxiety. But I didn't allow it to control me this time. I controlled it. I realized I could either continue to allow the past trauma to torment me, or I could tell that trauma just how big my God is!
I spent about a week up there and saw several things that normally trigger me. But none of it had any impact on me this time. I dismissed every single trigger. I didn't want to continue living in fear every time I journeyed up there. Indiana will likely be in my life for the remainder of my time on earth. So it was time for these triggers to stop causing flare ups.
All of those people, places, and things in the mid-west were unhealthy attachments to feelings of fear, shame, and guilt. Anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts were always the result of allowing those triggers to affect me. Having such attachments in this case caused so many problems that I had to move. I'm just not okay with that anymore!
Letting go in December was a positive step in the right direction, I think. But I imagine there is still more work to be done. Hence why I'm talking this through here in my journal in multiple sessions. I obviously need to process the abuse I endured for years and the feelings associated with it. But I also clearly need to further detach those people, places, and things from the related emotions I feel because of them. Having a successful trip last time is only the beginning of that journey.
Back on the Path
I've mentioned a few times that I was on a good path 25 years ago and that I spent about 24 years off my path. This year, I feel like I have returned to the path God wants me on. I'm being restored. But this time I'm going to be able to move forward on the path with all of the experiences of the past 25 years. I won't be starting over.
I'm looking forward to what God has planned. Being back on the path feels good. It will likely be a tough path to be on. After all, it was so tough 25 years ago that I strayed off of it...hehehe But I feel like it will be a rewarding journey. Here we go again!!! LOL
Buckwheat Bread Continued
Last night I tweaked the buckwheat bread recipe by adding cheddar cheese and green chilies. It turned out really good! I think I need to add more cheddar and chilies, though. I was very conservative for this first attempt. I felt it tasted good enough to continue working the recipe until I can perfect it.