I've Been ❤️

Happy Saturday!!! And welcome to another day with meeeeeee....LOL I'm not going to do a timestamp entry today. But I'll likely journal throughout the day anyway. When I do a timestamp entry, I try to say what I want to say within 15-20 minutes of time. The time I put down is the start time of that interval, rounded to the nearest five. I don't do this conscientiously really. It just sort of happens and is an observation. Today, I wanted to just try journaling all day without thinking about the time...hehehe

This morning's prayer walk was three times as long as usual. I typically just do one lap around the pond. That's a third of a mile. Today, I decided to do a full mile. After having done so, I think I may make that a regular thing. If my time is constrained a little, I may just do a single lap. And there are those rare days when either I cannot due to weather or sometimes I'm not home. There are also the rare times when I'm home but have plans that require me to leave without doing the prayer walk.

In a few weeks, I will have started my day with Jesus every morning for a year. I've spent time with Him most days for the past three years. But I made the commitment to start my day with Him at the beginning of October last year. Regardless of what I'm doing for the day, I spend several minutes in prayer and meditation before I get out of bed. I sit up and dangle my legs off the side. I'll even wait to go to the bathroom until after that prayer...hehehe

What I do after that has changed over the course of the year. Sometimes, I've had to move my devotional time to later in the day as I adjust my schedule or if my mornings involve other people. But most of this year, a devotional of some kind was part of those first hours of the day. Nothing in my life has made more of a positive impact on my life than spending time with Jesus to start my day.

This weekend marks the six month milestone of my devotional fellowship with Cherie. I've likely mentioned that a time or two. But I mentioned it again today because it is just that important. Not that the importance is specific to either of us. The importance I speak of is how God inspired us to begin doing it. And having been doing it for six months, it is now quite clear how much we've both grown closer to Jesus in the process. I'm grateful for how it has drawn me closer to Him. And I'm grateful He called us both to do this together.

I've always been one to make mental notes of dates, time frames, and the importance of progress. I celebrate these things because they help me acknowledge what God has done, is doing, and will be doing in my life and that of the lives of those I cherish the most. It helps me avoid being stuck in the past, avoid being fearful of the future, and remain focused on what it is I need to be doing today. The devotional season I've been in these past six months have helped me take that one step further. To sum it up, all I have to do today is trust in and follow Jesus. Everything else will fall into place. I still have my moments when I dwell on the past, get anxious about the future, and take my focus of Him any given day. But I'm a work in progress, making progress.

When I think about who I am, what I'm doing, and how I feel today, I look back at what brought me to this moment. My train of thought in this moment is about the positive things. I've grown and I'm finally learning to love who I am. I'm in a season of life that I did not expect. I've spent so many years not loving myself. I still have a ways to go. But I can confidently say that I love me now. Of course, I'm not saying this in a narcissistic way. I mean it in a more of a love others as yourself sort of way.

One thing that has helped is that moment last year when I stopped focusing on all of the negative things I use to hear about myself all the time. What my naysayers use to tell me painted a mental picture of myself of someone I literally hated. I can still hear those words in my thoughts. But I no longer focus on just that. They are only there still as reminders of what I'm not...hehehe No, what I'm somewhat focused on now are what all of my cheerleaders say about me. Well, sort of...

My self-worth is no longer tied to other people. Sure, I love to receive validation that what I do or how I feel is acceptable. That isn't all I think about, though. I also think about what the Bible says about me. Yet, that isn't enough either. As part of my health journey, I also needed to accept myself. This is still quite new and I'm working on it with God's help. As I detach my worth from people, I can see the person God created me to be.

I still want to make something clear. I am very grateful for how God sees me. I am equally grateful for how those who love me see me. I cannot express my gratitude enough, honestly. I'm only saying that I'm finally finding a healthy way to view myself.

I began thinking about this today because I've noticed I'm finally communicating in healthy ways. That is a tad difficult to explain...LOL I'll do my best to communicate about how I communicate...LOL To put it simply, I communicate through words of affirmation, photography, painting, and occasionally gift giving. I'd say the importance I put on each is in that order, actually. I'll even toss onto that pile humor, singing, and my facial expressions coupled with body language. I've been expressing myself in all of these ways more and more since 2021. It was as if I was dead for years and suddenly I came back to life...LOL

I worked on mom's Cinderella painting today. I'm still on the digital proof stage. I worked on colors and shading. That's where I truly put myself into the work. The character itself is a recreation based on Disney's Cinderella. So I don't see these paintings as original works.

I don't even think I can technically sell such a painting. I think I can do private commissions? But I don't sell any of my paintings anyway. I still don't do this for profit. I really enjoy expressing myself this way. I may sell original works in the future. I don't feel I'm at that stage with this yet, though. I won't say I'm not any good at this. People seem to love my work. However, the artist in me looks at these creations and I don't quite see what I'm wanting to see yet...hehehe Like me in general, my skill is a work in progress...LOL

I feel that is how art works sometimes. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so they say. But with art, the eye of the artist matters until the work is finished. At least for me...LOL That may not be the case for paid or commission work, though. I don't really know. As I said, I don't do that yet...LOL

For Budford's smash hit today, I went with Remember Me from Coco. I recorded two versions. The one I preferred was the lullaby version. I eventually sent the original as well because I realized it was just as fun. Doing those songs is inspiring me to break out my recording equipment again. For those songs, I've just used my iPhone...hehehe

My apartment isn't ideal for music production. There is a lot of outside noise that leaks into my home. But for now, I can practice and get back into the swing of things. It has been way too long since I've done anything like this. Doing the Budford songs has reignited my passion for song. I think I'll start by doing covers. I'd love to produce original work. I've never written my own music, though. I've produced other's original songs. Just not my own. I don't have a band to work with. Anything I do now will be completely solo...LOL But I think I can do this. I can write lyrics and the music part isn't all that difficult these days. Computers have come a long way since I last produced music...hehehe

Cherie sent me a recording today. She did an amazing Snow White. I absolutely love her singing voice. Well, her voice in general. But when she sings, it is so peaceful. That also makes me feel more validated with my own voice. When she enjoys what I send her, I feel as though she truly hears me. That fact she is so incredibly talented is reassurance to me. This friendship has been such a Blessing. I love that she feels comfortable being herself with me and I can be comfortable being myself with her. It's helping me be myself with everyone, actually; which ties back into what I was saying above about self-worth.

I've experienced some significant improvement in what I'll call my brain function...hehehe I don't know what it is technically, but my ability to think clearly and do calculations in my brain has gotten so much better. I used to experience brain fog. It was mostly due to a lot of over prescribed medications I was put on. I honestly felt as though some of my brain was fried during those years. However, I'm beginning to think it was simply those medications and my diet that was prohibiting clarity.

Being off of literally all of my medications, coupled with the huge improvements in my diet, I've been able to perform things like my job so much easier. Also, I rarely pull out my calculator now. I'm able to even figure out time math so much easier than before. Side note: time and date math is a common task in my industry. So it is quite important. And there are countless software libraries available to assist with that in software development. It what seems like the first time in my career, it all just clicks now...LOL It's a complex matter in software because we deal with international dates, times, and formats. This includes the varies timezones. Being able to finally understand these things is a breath of fresh air...LOL

Speaking of improvements, I think I may have mentioned before that my tremor has improved. Well, the motor function in my hand is showing those improvements. There is this thing I'm able to do with my fingers that I haven't been able to do in over 25 years. I can tap my thumb against all of my other fingers in succession and in rhythm. It's something better shown than explained. But since my fingers do not shack nearly as bad as before, I can actively do this little trick without issue or pain. Little things like that make my heart happy. I can do it with both my hands now. I'm starting to work on being able to alternate direction with opposite hands. Meaning, on one hand starting with my thumb to my index finger, while the other hand starts with thumb to my pinky finger. Then going to the other fingers one at a time to the beat of any music that is playing. Or just a random beat if no music is playing. As of now, I can do both hands in the same direction at almost any speed. Weird, but something I'm celebrating...hehehe

Last night, after I posted my journal entry yesterday, I heard back from my California cousin...hehehe Sounds like she would like to work out a visit. She doesn't read my journal. So, it was fun that I finally heard back after posting that...LOL Nothing is in stone yet, though. I also reached out to one of my friends in the area. They'll be getting back with me as soon as they know if they are available.

I'll be in California longer this time. Last time, it was more of a vacation. I didn't even work while I was there. I brought my work stuff just in case. But never needed it. This time, I'll actually be working as I did in North Carolina. I'm also looking into doing an AirBnB to get a more living there vibe.

I'm no fool, though. I won't know what it is like to live anywhere until I've actually lived some place. Cost of living really isn't an issue for me while I'm renting. Expensive is expensive no matter where you live...LOL But I still don't know what it will be like to transfer things like my car title. I heard Florida title transfers were expensive. But it didn't really cost much when I did it. It was a fraction of the cost I was told it would be. I have no idea what it will be like someplace else. I'll be ready for whatever that is like if I do move to another state, though. God always prepares me ❤️

I started a pencil sketch of a project I've been thinking about for quite some time. I was so excited about how it is starting out that I sent a sort of preview to Cherie...hehehe It is a project for her. I don't normally give a preview so early. And it was originally going to be a surprise. But I couldn't help myself this time...LOL It isn't a gift or anything. So, I don't mind that she already knows I'm doing something for her. It is one of those projects I am inspired to do just because the project wants to exist.

I have those sort of projects from time to time. The painting I did titled Sunset on Honeymoon Island last month was one such project. It just wanted to exist. It became my first painting submitted for a contest. It didn't do well in the contest. However, it was well received outside of the contest. I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to create something that wants to exist.

Of course, I'm not speaking in the literal since. These works are inanimate...LOL I just like to think of them as being alive...hehehe It's a fun way to experience being a creator.

I've reached a moment in my day where I still have a lot to say, but my thoughts aren't truly coming together. I think I'm going to call it a day on this journal entry. In the same fashion as a timestamp entry, I haven't gone back through the whole thing. I hope most of it makes sense. The only difference between today's and other timestamp entries is that this one isn't timestamped...LOL

I love to journal ❤️ I'm so sorry if there are days in this journal that don't make much sense. Sometimes I have incomplete thoughts. Other times the thoughts are so deep, even I don't know where I was going...LOL

I'll end today with a note: I've had a great few days lately. I've been deep in prayer. I've been deep in thought. I've been experiencing life. I've been working. I've been resting. I've been dreaming. I've been hoping. I've...been ❤️