Unsealing, Routine, and a Happy Heart

Content Guidance

Today's journal entry includes content that may be triggering. Please read with care.

Back in January, I wrote in this journal every day for 3 weeks during my prayer and fasting that I did with my church. It was basically the official kickoff for this new blog site. About a month ago, I wrote most days in the timestamp format. In between and recently, I've just journaled as I was inspired. I can safely say that I absolute love writing. Sometimes I like to write in a more formal fashion. Sometimes I like to simply jot my thoughts. No matter what style I use, or for what purpose, I really enjoy writing...hehehe

I may spend the weekend working on some of my projects. I won't likely get very far. But progress is progress, right?! hehehe I've decided not to make any goals. I'll just do whatever feels right and see what comes of it all. I don't want to lose any of the passion by turning it into work, you know? One of the tasks I'd really like to tackle and accomplish this weekend is finishing up the setup of a few of my other sites. They are all linked to my bygregmarine domain. But I like to separate the contexts into subdomains. Such as this blog being under blog.bygregmarine.com and my art being at art.bygregmarine.com. Both of these sites look and feel the same. However, the content is set in the context of their respective purposes and have an appropriate menu to navigate said content. It is somewhat like how my brain works. I compartmentalize my life in almost every aspect.

I'm considering joining The Unsealed community. Chérie introduced me to it through one of her poems being published in one of their books, Unseal Your Worth. She has since been published again in Unseal Your Best Life. I own both books. The former I've already read. The latter I just received yesterday. So I'm just getting started with it. As it turns out, there are now 6 books from The Unsealed community on Amazon.

I first considered joining the community back when she first introduced me to it. However, after giving it some thought, I decided I wasn't quite sure about doing so. One of my concerns at the time was whether or not I was ready to deal with my past. I envisioned the writing challenges drawing all of the trauma out of the darkness and into the light. That doesn't sound like a bad thing. But I wanted to be ready to handle whatever that would mean for me. I had gotten really good with coping with it all whilst keeping it all buried. Revisiting the pain didn't sound like a good idea at the time.

Today, my perspective is quite different. Through The Chosen devotionals, my heart has been transformed. I no longer want to simply cope with the past. I feel I am ready to allow God to shed any Light He wants to on it. These last 5 months have opened my heart and mind to true healing. When I was in Indiana a few weeks ago, I had a few encounters with my past. I don't mean triggers that reminded me of it. I mean in person encounters with some of the people and places directly associated with some of what happened. My mind and heart were completely clear and at peace during those encounters. I had zero anxiety, fear, doubt, worries, or concerns about any of it. I would even go so far as to say I felt apathy toward the associated trauma for the first time in my life. The memories are still there. And seeing those people and places did cause those memories to bubble to the surface. But my response was one of apathy.

I found out a week later that one of the people was upset at my presence. When I was told about it, I didn't feel apathy toward them. I felt empathy in that moment. I did not intent for my presence to cause them any trouble. I didn't even know they were going to be there the day of the encounter. So, I pray they are able to move past whatever they are experiencing. It is my understanding they felt victimized by my actions those many years ago. However, my response to their actions has been validated by trusted witnesses to the events. I've been educated to understand that's how narcissism works. The abuser plays the role of the victim when the one they are abusing escapes. When they can no longer control a person, they seek to control the narrative. My escape from their abuse began a chain reaction that apparently they still haven't moved past.

There was another potential incident that weekend I was in Indiana where someone was about to tell me one of my abusers was still harboring ill feelings towards me and my family. Before they were able to fully get the words out, I quickly declined to hear them out by saying I do not need to hear what you are about to say. I explained to them that what was told to them was not for my ears to hear. And I left it at that. Personally speaking, if I were meant to hear it, my abuser would have told me themselves. To use an intermediary, a common connection, is another tactic used by a textbook narcissist.

I use to feel guilty about what I consider to be my trauma. I use to think that if I have multiple abusers, I must be the problem. How could I be so unlucky to have been abused by so many different people over the span of 21 years? I wondered if it were I who was the narcissist. As I educated myself about my trauma, I realized that my feelings of guilt were all a part of how it works. A narcissist convinces their victim that they are the ones being the abuser. When I consider how I remained silent all of those years, and what I discussed in therapy, all roads point to me being the victim. And recently, a few of my most trusted witnesses came out and told me that I was indeed abused. They had observed the changes I've been making since my move to Florida and expressed their joy over what God is doing in my life. They wanted to reassure me that they see healing taking place.

I don't regret being silent all these years. I'm actually grateful for the process God has used to help me endure what happened. I obviously did not go into any specific details above about the events. If ever I do go into detail, I'll have to change the names to protect the guilty...LOL However, I'm finally ready to be more open about it all. I feel ready to join a community such as The Unsealed to unseal my heart. One thing I've learned over the years is that I'm not alone in my trauma. There are so many other people who have experienced what I have. My opening up about my own experiences may help someone through theirs. The Unsealed seems like a good place to start.

As I have been writing today, I made the final decision to purchase a MacBook Pro and ordered it. It should arrive as early as tomorrow. It's still weird to me that I can order something like this and have it the next day without physically going to a store. I'm considering this an approximately 10 year investment in the many aspects of my being a creator. It removes many of the hurdles and stressors I've been dealing with trying to make it all work with my Mac Mini and iPad. With Apple products having a long use life, I can see this thing lasting at least 10 years. I hope that's so.

When I was at the grocery on Tuesday, I experienced an episode of brain fog. It has been quite a while since I've dealt with that. In that moment, I knew I was at the grocery and that I had some things to pick up. However, I had forgotten the specific items I needed. They weren't many, and therefore, I didn't make a list. But what worried me the most after the episode was over is that I realized I didn't know how I got to the grocery. It was as if I had dreamt the whole thing and I suddenly woke up at the store. And for a brief moment, I honestly thought I might have still been dreaming when it passed. I believe the cause of this episode was a change in my eating schedule. With my adjusted sleep and daily productivity routine, I have also adjusted when and how I eat. I imagine my brain was misfiring a bit that day as a result. My brain chemistry has been a tad out of balance this week.

Ooh! I received an exciting request today! One of my social media friends, Lyss, reached out to me to commission a painting! She was one of many I had done a painting for when I asked on Twitter what people would like for me to paint. Like all of them, she didn't know I would eventually give it to her once I made the painting...hehehe Her's was the one I did right after Chérie's first painting, Bambi's Bird. For Lyss, I created He Can Call Me Flower; which, of course, was also from the film, Bambi. That painting coincided with the birth of their first child. Well, she is pregnant once again and wanted to commission me to do a new painting in honor of their second child...hehehe How cool is that?!?

A day in the life of Greg is quite a bit different than it was a month ago. Let's run down the routine, shall we!?

• 07:30 am - Wake up and recite The Lord's Prayer in my own words
• 07:45 am - Take a walk around the pond (weather permitting)
• 08:00 am - Begin my work day
• 09:00 am - Brew a decanter of coffee and pour a half glass of orange juice
• 10:00 am - Eat toast (most days...some days this doesn't happen)
• 12:00 pm - Break for lunch...typically something light and quick to fix. I read that day's Bible in a Year chapters.
• 01:00 pm - Back to work
• 05:00 pm - Fix dinner...typically a larger meal than lunch
• 06:00 pm - Brew a decanter of coffee and pour a half glass of orange juice. Do that day's The Chosen devotional.
• 08:30 pm - Watch an hour of TV
• 09:30 pm - Do something creative...like journaling. That's what I'm doing right now...LOL
• 11:00 pm - Either continue being creative, watch another hour of TV, or read. Whatever feels right in the moment.
• 12:00 am - Take a shower and shave
• 12:30 am - Do whatever devotional I have going on in the Bible app
• 01:00 am - Wind down for the day
• 01:30 am - Lights out, sound machine on, head hits the pillow

The above schedule is Monday through Friday. For the weekends, all of the stuff between 8 am and 5 pm are more flexible. There may also be weekends when I don't stick to that routine because I might be at Disney or something. And on Sunday, I'm gone for church from around 8 am until 10:45 am. Then I virtually attend CCGS from 11 am to 12:15 pm. I toss in a trip to the grocery whenever necessary. But that isn't a set routine. I simply mentioned the normal stuff in the above...hehehe I wanted to highlight this routine because it is far more balanced than what I did prior to this month. And I am quite a bit more productive than I've been in a very long time. Yesterday, I mentioned my circadian rhythm. I'm so much closer to what I'm naturally suppose to do. Perhaps when I retire from my career, I can do a schedule that is in perfect sync with my rhythm. For now, this is close enough. My mind is blown by how well this month is going! Time will tell...literally...hehehe

Today's The Chosen devotional (Book 2, Day 10) was on fasting. In my reflection notes, I mentioned I once fasted alcohol. That got me to thinking about how I decided to pretty much give up alcohol now. Side note: I word it that way because I may partake on occasion for a toast or if a dining experience is best with pairings. This Monday, I will have gone my personal longest without alcohol since I started regular consumption in 2017. I've had dry months from time to time to do a sort of detox. But in a few days, I don't plan to go back to consuming alcohol. This decision wasn't just for a detox. I wrote about it around a month ago. But it basically boils down to how I just don't desire it anymore. I didn't have a drinking problem. I just don't see it adding any value to my life any longer. It has served its purpose...if it even had a purpose...LOL I've learned what it is. I'm ready to move on now...hehehe

It's around 10:30 pm now. I'm starting to get hungry...hehehe One of the benefits of this new schedule is I can have a snack at this time and it doesn't effect my sleep. Since I don't go to sleep until around 1:30 am, I still have 3 hours to digest what I snack on...LOL I'm going to have some cookies, graham crackers, and a chocolate square with a half glass of almond milk...hehehe

For the Vitamin G today, I asked folks to do something today that makes their heart happy. And then to later tell someone what is was that made their heart happy. I did several things today that made my heart happy. One of the earliest ones was singing Oh What a Beautiful Morning. Another moment was when I introduced myself as the world's Chief Happiness Office...LOL It was someone I met today at work...hehehe He really liked that and called it out later. Something else that stands out as doing something that made my heart happy today was encouraging a few people. They told me how much they appreciated what I told them. That really made my heart happy today. There were several other things. But those are the highlights. So, there, I've told someone...hehehe