Home and Friends

I'm home.

The transition back to my normal has been smooth. I suppose, preparing myself a month in advance for the time zone difference in California was a wise decision...hehehe I've already had people comment on how surprised they are that I'm functioning today. I'm not experiencing jet lag whatsoever, actually. I didn't even rush to get to my coffee this morning. I think I may have even had it later than I usually do...hehehe Again, that's because I don't drink it for the caffeine anyway. It is more of a grounding mechanism for me. One that I'm considering letting go of.

I'm already continuing my reflection from my trip. Part of what God was talking to me about on the trip was how I treasure my friends and family almost to a fault, and whether I could give any of them up for the sake of following Jesus. Clearly, He isn't asking me to give any of them up. But what I do sense is that He wants me to let go of the extra importance I put on those relationships. To be clear, I'm not talking about their value. The relationships and the people I have them with are valuable by their own merits and as defined by God. I'm talking about the focus I put on the relationships. Sometimes, I put them before my relationship with God. That's pretty easy to do. For some people, it's money, job, or anything tangible. For me, it's people.

There isn't any one person or relationship I'm referring to here. I'm speaking generally. I've been pondering if I might be an empath. I'm not even sure how one knows such a thing. I've always had empathy. But I clearly sense the mental and emotional state of those around me. I'm not even speaking physically around me. I keep having those moments when I reach out to someone because I have a sense that they need encouragement. And their response indicates perfect timing. As much as I believe that is the Holy Spirit prompting me, I also wonder if that is just part of who I am as a person? It could be a spiritual gift God has given me?

It's good to be home. I keep putting that as emphasized because home is a relative term for me. Simply put, I'm just not settled. My true home is Heaven. I'm still having difficulty defining what home is here on earth. When people welcome me home in Indiana, I don't feel that is or ever was home. I no longer hate Indiana. But I just don't look at it as my home. I currently live in Florida. But is it home? No, not really. I do find comfort here. My heart isn't here, though. That may seem odd, actually. I do refer to Florida as what I consider paradise on earth. But when I get right down to it, it is only the place I ran to when I was running away from Indiana.

As I have been discovering who it is I am in Christ, I've been taking an inventory of what I like, what I don't like, what I'm attracted to, and what I am repulsed by. I've also been considering what I'll gladly accept and what are deal breakers. This is also leading me down the path of discovering what my desires truly are. Letting go of all the things I thought I wanted in life and embracing what God has given me has been a freeing experience this year. Yesterday, I wrote about resetting. Those resets almost feel like a rebirth today. And with that comes excitement. I've become more aware of myself and God through this process.

This is helping me define what home is for me. I'm not sure I can call it a specific place. But I mean this in a good way. It's almost as if home is anywhere a piece of my heart resides. The old saying goes, home is where your heart is. That resonates with me. If part of my heart is in Central Indiana, it is about the family and friends I have there. For the Gulf Coast of Florida, it would be about how I love the climate. Especially the sunshine...hehehe And Southern California is the warm hug I've been longing for.

California was a big surprise to me. I never would have imagined part of my heart would live there. 21 years ago, on my last visit, I never would have imagined I'd be back in the same area ever again. Outside of business trips, that is. But last year, I discovered I have so many connections to the area I visited. My awareness of the number of connections grew even more as this year has progressed. While I was there this time, it was as if I have always been there. The only other places I have ever felt that way are the area I grew up in and Walt Disney World Resort.

I've lived in Florida for just over 2 years now. I still have trouble getting around sometimes. But when I was getting around California, I had absolutely no troubles at all. I didn't even struggle in LA. The one time, I was driving through just to see how that would feel. The other was my day with Chérie. The only uneasy feelings I had were during the crowded moments. But even then, I felt at home. And to be honest, the crowds weren't that bad.

I'm now in the third month of the third year of the third state I've lived in. As an unsettled soul, I'm exploring where I might move to next year. I'm going to trust God with my home this time. As I mentioned above, Florida is where I ran to when running away from Indiana. I did not look to God for guidance or His Will. I am one who believes everything happens for a reason and a season. So, I do believe that coming here was His Will. I just wasn't seeking it. I mean that in a way the indicates He uses all of these things for His Will and for good. I don't mean that when bad things happen He wanted them to happen. Running away from something in Indiana was bad. But He made where I ran off to something good...if that makes sense? This time around, I want to ask God for His guidance, seek His Will, and knock on the door He presents to me.

Above, I wrote about treasuring my relationships with others sometimes more than my relationship with God. After writing that, 2 of my friends indicated to me that our time together was over. Meaning, our friendships had come to an end. I appreciate the time God allowed us to have on this earth. I hope our paths cross again before we get to Heaven. But it hurts. I'm grateful God was already preparing me for this day when He spoke to me through scripture and prayer on Sunday. At the time, and even earlier today when I wrote the above, I was pondering whether He'd be asking me to give up relationships for the sake of following Him. I honestly didn't think it would happen. Little did I know that it would actually happen today.

Of course, He didn't specifically call me to end these friendships. Instead, He is calling me to let go of them because those friendships were ending without my initiating it...hehehe Those 2 people ended it...hehehe But more than accepting that the friendships are over, I also need to accept that I don't understand why. Is there something going on in their lives that is causing them to say goodbye? Did I do something that caused them to want to cut ties with me? Are they being drawn away from God and Godly relationships; which is what I thought we had? Am I the one who is being drawn away from God and they want to distance themselves from a potential mess they see coming? Why is this happening? One commonality to both is they are from theChapel. Perhaps my leaving has caused them hurt they cannot resolve without cutting me out?

I won't presume anything. I don't feel I need to question them directly about it. If they felt the need to explain, they would. There isn't an exit interview process when relationships end. Instead, I'll pray for them. If there is something going on in their lives, or if I have hurt them in anyway, prayer is the best thing I can do for them. God knows their needs and will provide what those needs are. I truly hope they are okay. I'll be okay. But I'm not going to let them know this hurts. I've been on both sides of this situation. I've lost friendships before. And I've been the one who cut ties before. There is nothing more to say to each other when this happens. I'm going to remain grateful God was already preparing my heart for this and I'll draw closer to Him through the pain.

One of the friendships will be easy to get over. We weren't super close. The other one, though, is someone I've mentioned here in this journal. Although I think I've deleted the entry since, I had at one time mentioned I had feared the fellowship was coming to an end long before today. I had already seen signs of him pulling away from me. In his case, we were super close. So that one cuts deep.

I'm writing about it because it is relatable to one of the matters God has been working on in my heart as recent as earlier today and this past Sunday. And writing out these thoughts helps me face the circumstances. I've said it before, writing is a means for me to get out of my own head sometimes. As deep as the cuts go and as much as the pain hurts, I trust God and know He is good. I've got this because He's got me.

Today's The Chosen devotional (book 2, day 35) was another really good one. Most of them are. But I don't journal every day to write an extended reflection...hehehe This one features the passage where Jesus sends out the 12 and tells them to take nothing. He tells them all they will need will be provided. I've experienced a few of those go and I'll provide moments from God. One of the biggest ones happened July 24th, 1999. So, almost 25 years to the day...hehehe

God called me to go pray with someone hundreds of miles away. I didn't even have the gas money to go. But I trusted He would provide. The night before I was to go, someone gave me the exact amount I would need to pay for the gas to go. When I think about things like that, I really wonder why I ever doubt anything He does...hehehe What I love about this devotional is that He is using it to remind me of these times when He provides what I need.

In that instance, it was financial. But His provisions go well beyond money, food, clothing, or shelter. He also provides strength, comfort, wisdom, and healing. In my reflection notes for the devotional, I mentioned that oftentimes He is preparing me for and providing for something I don't even know is about to happen. Everything that happened Sunday prepared for and provided for what happened today. In a way, it was a go and I'll provide sort of thing. I went to California...LOL Also in a way, the trip was about faith and trusting in God. It wasn't about faith He would provide what I needed to go. But what He did provide through the experience was far greater than anything I could have expected. Being able to apply those provisions so immediately was also unexpected.

The more I make myself available for more of Him, the more I am feeling more of His presence. That's a lot of more...hehehe And I know there's a lot...more...to come...LOL To other people, I could probably be considered a strong person. I seem strong in my faith. I seem strong in my career. I seem strong in my mental and physical health too. But I'm very much aware I am actually pretty weak. What others are seeing is the power of God being make perfect in my weakness. I'm not boasting about myself when I say any of this. It truly is God at work here. If it weren't for Him, I'd still be that same person suffered all of the mental, physical, and spiritual pain for more than 2 decades. What He has been doing these past few years is amazing!