Rainbow Connection
7:55 am
I've been a little off as of late. Based on past experience, I feel it might be the onset of depression. I've had several work days were I felt like I needed to take a mental health day but didn't. I've been sort of white knuckling through each day telling myself it will pass.
I woke up with so much anxiety today that I finally pulled the plug and took the day off. I have plenty of time off. If I save it, I will get a payout once the transition to the new company happens. However, there is still value in taking some time off between now and then. On a day like today, I felt I really needed it. So there is more value in my taking the day off than in saving the time for a payout later.
Although I'm at a slower pace, I'm going about my morning otherwise the same as I would normally. I started with my daily morning prayer wake up time and daily Bible app refresh. Regardless how I feel, I've been consistent with that for the past 138 days now. It helps shape my attitude for the day. So I do not see myself ever missing that part. Consistency is a great thing. Especially for how my mind seems to work.
After that, I didn't actually do my next consistent thing, however. Instead of doing one of my devotionals, I decided to check my texts and emails. I never do that so early in the day. It's typically 2-3 hours after I wake before I get around to doing that. But part of the reason I did that today was because I needed to send a text to my boss letting him know that I was taking the day off.
After slowly meandering through those messages, I eventually got up to shave and shower. One thing I have taken away from all the counseling I've been through is that when I'm depressed, I really need to take care of myself. I wasn't filthy and my face and head didn't really look like they needed shaving. But doing those tasks when I'm feeling the way I do are actually quite therapeutic and therefore necessary.
I then made my coffee and poured my orange juice. And now I'm starting today's journal entry. I chose to write before doing any of my devotionals because I just needed to get some of this out. Writing has helped me immensely this year. I'd like to remain fairly consistent with writing. I may even start keeping my iPad with me where ever I roam. I'd like to start bringing it with me to Disney as well. Perhaps I'll end up at Disney today...hehehe If I do go, I'll be sure to bring my iPad with me so I can continue to write throughout the day.
12:03 pm
I decided to go to Disney! Right now, I'm sitting at the Garden Grill at EPCOT. This is my first time experience this restaurant. It's a character dining experience with Chip, Dale, Mickey, and Pluto. As of now, I've already met Chip, Dale, and Mickey. I brought Olaf with me. So he has gotten his picture taken with all of them so far...hehehe
I also reserved a spot for the Festival entertainment. It is a set of Disney on Broadway performances at the American pavilion later this evening. I've experienced that before in the past. But this time I should be up close I believe.
My meal is plant-based for the most part. I went with the vegetarian option. It looks so good! Let's dig in!
Oh, real quick, Pluto just stopped by! Olaf got his picture. And Pluto wanted to take a selfie with me too...hehehe So we all got a picture together! Yay!!!
1:17 pm
Lunch was so wonderful. The food was fantastic. The ambience was Zen. The Cast were amazing! I ate way too much. But that's what you do when it is all you care to eat family style and you are a party of one...HAHAHA
Olaf had a great time getting his photo take with the characters and the always changing scenery.
The vegetarian option was perfect! Of all the places I go to eat these days, Disney does it right. Whatever your diet is, Disney has an option for you. If your dietary needs aren't listed, a chef will come to your table to discuss your needs with you. At least that's the experience I've personally had at Walt Disney World over this past year.
I'm not sitting in the World Celebration area of EPCOT. It's the new garden area that recently opened at the close of 2023. It looks like a great place to escape the crowds. It is also a great place to sit and write. The background sounds aren't very distracting. And there are plenty of places to just sit and plenty of places to set up a computer to work. There are power outlets throughout to charge phones or power computers. I'm currently at 92% battery on my iPad. So I feel I'll be good today...hehehe
I can certainly see myself working from here sometime. It seemed like a busy day when I arrived. But in this area, the crowd is minimal. No one around is in a hurry. Everyone is just taking the opportunity to relax. And I'm just typing away...LOL
2:07 pm
After a relaxing time in World Celebration, I took a stroll through one of the art districts. EPCOT is currently featuring the International Festival of the Arts. I believe this is the third time I've been here during this festival. The other times, I focused on food and drinks. Today, I"m focused mostly on the other arts...performance and visual.
I'm currently taking a break from the sun in the Mexico pavilion. I'm right across from the gate where I entered the World Showcase during my runDisney 5K last November. It's fun reliving the moments of that momentous event of my life. It is still hard to believe I did that. And it is equally hard to believe it really wasn't the long ago. Yet here I am over 20 lbs lighter than I was that day...LOL
Back to that food at the Garden Grill! Wow! I didn't realize that eating vegetarian would be so rewarding. Although I definitely over ate, I'm not feeling it as heavy as if it would have been flesh meats. I feel like I could run another 5K through EPCOT right now...hehehe If it had been flesh meats, I'd probably have the meat sweats...HAHAHA
The park doesn't seem so busy now. I imagine the crowds I saw earlier were just folks arriving. It was close to 11 am when I arrived. That is the time when most of the food opens up. The only people who seem to come before 11 here are those rope dropping the rides.
I often wonder who comes to Disney on a weekday in the middle of February. School is still in session and it really isn't a vacation season. But the weather is fantastic for a day at the parks. It isn't hot. It isn't cold. As Goldilocks might say, it's just right. Perhaps that has something to do with it. I have my doubts that all of these other people are here for a mental health day, like myself.
2:33 pm
I'm now sitting in the African Outpost. It's between the China and Germany pavilions. I'm reflecting on what a mental health day is for me. There really isn't a definition that I subscribe to beyond just taking a break from my normal.
So, I've identified that I am in a depression. I'm sure the situation at work as some part in why I might be depressed. I mean, it is a loss. It doesn't quite equate to watching a loved one pass away. But in a small way, it is a terminal diagnosis. Regardless of what will happen in the next few months, I'll no longer be at the company I thought I would be retiring at.
It hasn't been that long that I've contemplated my retirement. I'll only be 46 next month. So I'd say I have at least 20 more years of actual labor still. But as I have mentioned before, I was hoping to retire from this career within the next 5-10 years. With that retirement in mind, I really didn't want to go anywhere else.
There is also this sense of loss of some of my friends. I made so many new ones last year. But are they truly friends? We say my friend when I say things like thank you...such as thank you, my friend. I feel as though I have lost them now because I don't want to do all those meetups anymore. I tried it. I didn't like it.
I mentioned last Friday that I was thinking about giving up on Disney. At least my annual pass. I've since reconsidered. Chérie reached out to me about that and said just what I needed to hear. It isn't Disney that I was having my issue with. It was the constant hanging out. I wasn't able to always be my authentic self in those environments. They all seem like great people. But we just didn't bring out the best of each other.
Today is my third time coming here in the last six days. I've had more enjoyment in these three visits than most of those meetups last year. I'm more of a solo or one on one personality. I may still do the occasional meetup, like the one coming up in a few weeks. But I'll try to keep the boundary I have established so far this year. I'll come when I feel like being alone and not let anyone know my plans. When I feel like see people, I'll let them know I'm coming.
Talking this out does make me feel better. Well, writing it out in this case. It gets it out of my head. One of the cycles of my depression is when something gets stuck in my head. It rolls around in there like a pair of socks in the laundry. It gets all twisted up with everything else. And sometimes, one of the socks gets lost...hehehe I don't want to get lost in my thoughts. That is, unless it is getting lost in watching a bird soar or a tree swaying in the breeze. That's a completely different type of lost...hehehe
Time to move on...
3:13 pm
I'm in the Italy pavilion now. I sat down by the lagoon in a shady area. Someone came to give their pup some shade too. So I got to see a doggy! Yay!!! But the dog is gone now...
For a moment I thought I had floaters in my eyes. When I started to focus, it turned out to be hundreds of little bugs flying around me...ugh! They aren't really bothering me. So I hope they stay far enough away that the bugs don't...bug me...LOL
Seeing all of this art today is truly reigniting the spark I have for painting. I did a painting last week. The first one for the year. It had been quite a while since I had painted. The one I did prior to last week was way back in June last year. I think my next one will be something I make for myself. Most of the ones I've been working on over the last few years have been for other people.
When I ate at the Garden Grill earlier, I was reminded of the painting I made a few years ago of the farmhouse in Living with the Land. I showed a photo of it to the Cast member who waited on me at my table.
It was so lovely talking with her. She asked me about my vegetarian diet. I mentioned that I weight about 80 lbs more a year ago and that the diet was just a natural progression of the exercise I had been doing. The reason she was asking me about it was because one of her daughters is wanting to switch to a vegetarian diet. So I gave her some of the advice I had learned so far. I told her the most important thing was to make small sustainable changes. Those small sustainable changes will lead to better habits. And those habits will then lead to a better lifestyle.
Well, the bugs are starting to bug me. I think I've sat her long enough for them to think I'm a snack...LOL
4:10 pm
Olaf and I are in the American pavilion now. We just enjoyed The American Adventure show. It is a mix of audioanimatronics and screen projection. It's a fun little show. It had been quite some time since I last saw it. I'm not sure if they've updated it since the last time. It all seemed familiar.
I sat in the front row...hehehe I was all by myself. The guide even made note of it and said something over the PA system...LOL I waved and gave a thumbs up! I don't mind that kind of attention anymore. I sure use to. But now, I realize sitting all by myself in the front row has already brought attention to myself.
While watching the show, I was reminded of something that came to my attention this week. It's a story that comes from The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse. There is this boy who can't see his way through the forrest. His horse friend asks him if he can see the first step. The boy replies that he could. So the horse encourages him to just take that first step.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed with where it is that I'm going that I just can't see the path to get there. But I can see that first step. Once I take that first step, I can then see the next step. I need to train myself to stop trying to look so far ahead and just take the step that's right in front of me. I should definitely look up every once in a while so I can see a little bit ahead. And I can always use some sort of map to lead the way. But those small steps are what will get me on my way.
This is all metaphorical, of course. In the literal sense, I need to get out of my head. That first step is really just to enjoy the moment. Right now is all I actually have. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow isn't promised. Now is what is most important. I sure wish it were easy to focus on that.
Something I've been doing while I write today is look up from the screen and keyboard. The sights, the sounds. Taking it all in. I've even taken a few moments to close my eyes and just listen. Listening to the sounds of families enjoying Disney. The music playing in the background. It all mixes together in a sort of art in and of itself.
I've had Olaf sitting out with me a few times. A few people have made comments about him. It's fun to have a little park pal with me on these solo visits. I didn't bring him last weekend when I came. If I go again this weekend, I may take him with me. But I'm not sure. There is rain in the forecast and he doesn't have a rain jacket. I just bought one for myself yesterday...hehehe Perhaps I should have gotten him one too...LOL
5:13 pm
I got first row! I'm sitting in the American pavilion theater awaiting Disney on Broadway for the 5:30 show. This is part of the Festival of the Arts. When I booked by lunch reservation, I paid an extra $10 to get a seat in the VIP section. I got here early enough to snag a seat in the middle front row. I'll be able to see the performers as if I was on stage with them...hehehe
I once performed on this stage. It was back in high school when I was in show choir. We were part of an invitational competition. Our school was one that was selected. I recall we did pretty well. I think we may have gotten fourth. But the thing I remember most is that I had lost my voice. So I didn't actually sing...hehehe I just danced and mouthed the words of the songs.
Something else I recall vividly is that the first soloist had a pocket full of change. When he pulled the microphone from his pocket, the change went all over the stage...LOL I was standing right next to him when this happened. It took all of my being to keep from laughing! HAHAHA
Back then, we were considered Cast for the moment. So we were trained in how to walk through the park as we approached the stage. They have different rules now. But I do remember just how strict they were with us. But I was so proud to be Disney Cast for a day.
I'm super excited about experience! I'll likely take a lot of photos and video. I mean, how often will I get to sit so close to broadway stars?!?!? YAY!!! Woohoo!!!
6:08 pm
WOW!!! I have no words for how amazing the Broadway performance was! And being on the front row!!! WOW!!! Just WOW!!!
I was able to capture a few photos and videos. However, I mostly just soaked in the energy! Mandy Gonzalez and Michael James Scott were outstanding! I have seen MJ Scott perform before. However, I was quite a ways back in the pavilion when I did. I could see their passion extruding from every pore of their skin!
They sang songs from Coco, Tarzan, Aladdin, and The Greatest Showman. From The Greatest Showman, they finished off their performance with This is Me. Although most of the performance brought me to tears, that song truly hit deep!
I wish I had the words to describe this experience. But the lack of words speaks volumes. So, with that, I must find food before I head home. That huge lunch is starting to wear off...hehehe
8:35 pm
I ended up having dinner at Shiki-Sai: Sushi Izakaya. This was my fourth time going here since that preview back in September, I think. It is one of my absolute favorite restaurants anywhere. Definitely one of my favorites at Disney World. Once again I ate too much...hehehe
I made a design in the dish that my sushi roll was in. I took a photo and I hope to make an piece of art from it. Perhaps it will be something I'll adorn my home with. It has meaning because today has meaning. I'll have to think of a...meaningful...name!
I'm now contemplating if I'll stop by Disney Springs before heading home. I didn't see a coffee mug at EPCOT that I really wanted. They have a limit selection. But I know World of Disney has a wide selection. The other parks seems to have a greater selection as well. Perhaps they will have more options at EPCOT once the rest of the construction is completed. There are still a few areas they are working on. I'm sure they have plans for more gift shops.
Now, I'm listening to Rainbow Connection. I'm going to conclude this journal entry with that. Someday we'll find it...the rainbow connection...the lovers...the dreamers...and me!