Plans, Detours, and the Floor

How are You Doing?

Well, hello there, Greg! It's been a few days since you've journaled! How are you doing?

I often get asked how I am doing. It will usually occur when I haven't seen someone for a while or perhaps when I take a social media break. Each time I'm asked that question, I take a quick glance over my life from the time period when I last interacted with the person up until they asked the question.

After having reviewed my own life, I then compare it to the state of the world or to other people's lives I know are in worst circumstances than myself. Granted, I'm using my own scale to compare my own situations to those of others. But as of late, I've had a relatively positive outlook on my own life.

This all leads to almost the same answer every time. Overall, I am well. This seems like a decent answer all things considered. And as it has been my most common response, it seems as though it satisfies the question of how am I doing in such a way that no further questions are asked.

To be perfectly real, however, it is a deceptively honest answer. Yes, it is honest. I am doing well, overall. But the deception is in the avoidance of diving in deeper beyond the overall state of my wellbeing. There are very specific areas of my life in which I am not doing well whatsoever.

First, the good news! That's okay! It's okay for some areas to not be okay. I was never promised a perfect life here on Earth. I was only promised a life worth living. What gives it worth is subjective but is never dependant on my state of mind. As I learn to be content with my circumstances, the more worth I can see in how those circumstances are transforming me into a better version of myself.

But then there is the bad news. I am in pain. Behind the smile is an ache that just cannot seem to be healed. It is a heart that is surrounded by a thicket of thorns that as my heart grows, the thorns pierce and cause me to bleed. I cry out for relief! But the only relief I find is when I retract my heart.

There are very few that I trust with my heart these days. I sometimes talk to people about how I am actually doing. A few that I will explain why I take social media breaks. A few that I will tell about how much my job is in a flux of uncertainty. And really no one I tell that I am crying inside more than I am crying on the outside.

As of my writing this, I believe there are only 3 people I have even told this journal exists. Those are the few I talk to about how I am actually doing. But even with them, I hold back a little. My life is so full of broken trust that I am so incredibly broken. This is my space to talk about that brokenness so that I can make sense of it all.

Someday, this journal is likely to be more well known. And that's fine. Those who will read it years from now will likely come here because of how I overcame today's trouble. I publicly put out there how I overcome these things. God has blessed me with the gifts I need to share what I have learned in life. So I freely give that away.

Overall, I am well. I really am. When I make an account of all that I have been through, and all that I have been blessed with, I am doing quite well. When I consider the struggles of today, I know in my heart that I will overcome them. How do I know? I have overcome so many things now that I have absolutely no doubts about it!

I hope, someday, God will either trim back the thicket around my heart or send someone to help cut it all away. I want my heart to grow. I don't want to keep retracting it back for fear of being cut by the thorns. I want my tears of sadness to be transformed into tears of joy. But for now, I'll keep crying whatever tears may come. There is healing in those tears.

Plans

I wouldn't necessarily label myself a planner. I do make a lot of plans. And I do like to be spontaneous. Planning helps prepare me for what to expect. And winging it can be an adventure. Either way, I'm usually fine so long as my anxiety isn't triggered.

Chapter 3 of Your One Life talks a bit about planning. It is titled Plan, but Don't Presume. The author tells of a time when he was detoured on his way somewhere. He had planned out his journey only to have it disrupted by construction. All of us who drive anywhere know what that's like!

This one was another tough chapter for me. And the reflection questions at the end didn't make it any easier!

1. When was there a time that lack of planning got you into trouble or caused problems?
   I can honestly say I cannot relate to this question. Anything that was important, I planned out. Anything that was spontaneous was never so important that a shift of any kind caused problems. The only thing I can relate to this is that poor to no financial planning has led to years of struggle. I'm still in a season of debt I'm almost out of that was due to poor financial planning. And even this season was caused more by a decision to accept a certain amount of debt to avoid hurting people I care about. So I gladly took on my current struggle with finances so they would be protected.

2. At the heart of presumption is the faulty belief that we are in control. How much do you struggle with "control issues"? Where does that show up in your life?
   I recognize I am not in control of much of anything other than my own reactions and responses. My "control issue" is that I'm out of control of my own life sometimes. I have been told on occasion that I'm controlling. In every case, it was the other person who was controlling me! I was only asking for control over myself as they were trying to control my life! I'm glad God is in control of the "Big Picture", though. I just don't want people trying to control me.

3. Where could you do better when it comes to planning? Does an area of life come to mind?
   My prayer life. Seeking His Will first. Being more purposeful...living on and with purpose. These are the areas of my life where I feel I could plan more and better.

4. Identify a time when God detoured your life. What was the result?
   Detours are a theme in my life. And it always has the same result: learning how to deal with the next detour... God's Blessings have always come to me in those lessons learned. And sometimes those detours show me parts of life or of myself that I had never seen or considered.

Detours

I read that chapter of the book yesterday. The day before, I woke up with a vivid memory of something that I experienced years ago. It was quite the surprise that it even came to mind. Then the very next day I read that chapter about plans being detoured.

The memory that came to mind was a time when a friend of mine asked me to accompany him on his visits with his kids. During his divorce, his ex-wife had the judge put in a stipulation that his visits with the kids would be supervised for a period of time.

I knew the guy pretty well and just didn't understand how this could have happened. Even the court appointed supervisor was confused. She and I would talk about how crazy it was that he had to endure this. Our reports back to the judge were beaming with positive observations.

In order to be there for my friend, I had to give up several Saturdays. The trip to go have these visits with his kids was hours away from where we lived. I didn't mind that at all, though. This minor detour in my life gave him the opportunity to see his kids.

Shortly after this occurred, I was faced with the same dilemma. I don't really understand her motivation, but my ex-wife insisted I be supervised when visiting with our son for quite some time. The legal battle over this was unpleasant. And the actual experience of supervised visits with my son was torture.

The first detour of helping out my friend in turn helped me deal with the second detour. Needing to prove I was a good father and that our son was safe with me was truly one of the most difficult experiences of my life. But having God prepare me for that experience gave me the strength I needed to endure it.

At the conclusion of that experience, I threw a party for all of those who were supporting me through it. I decided to have the party in my very little apartment. The place was packed...hehehe It was a great celebration of peace after enduring such a painful experience.

And bear in mind, I'm only sharing the surface level aspect here. There is so much more to say about what happened that doesn't really fit in the context of this journal entry. If I ever write a memoir, these will be very difficult chapters to write.

Social Media

I'm slowing getting back on social media. Taking a break was a great idea. I still haven't been engaging much beyond some likes here and there. And a few DMs from time to time. On X, I've been observing who is spouting out hate and muting them. I'm also actively blocking the bots.

I may end up leaving X altogether. It is beyond toXic. The concern I have is that I feel called to stay. I feel called to continue in my ministry of positivity. My encouragement, inspiration, and motivation are helping people. And that's because it all comes from God. So it isn't actually my encouragement, inspiration, and motivation. It's His!

I'm praying for God's protection from the struggles I have with social media. As long as these platforms exist, the world needs what God is speaking through me, right!?! I'm not going to put pressure on myself, though. God loves a cheerful giver. If I can't love what I do, I know He doesn't want me to do it. He'll just call upon someone else to do it.

What I may need to do is find other people who can push out positivity as well. I need people who will either do the same as I or copy and paste what I say. People who can repost positivity will go a long way to help balance out the love with the hate. Perhaps I need to develop a format that is more easily sharable. I don't know...I don't have the answers today. Just something to pray and think about!

Weekend

Well, another weekend has arrived. Earlier today I started making plans to go to Disney World. This time I wanted to go solo and try a new experience. I wanted to go to each of the 4 theme parks, and at each do 4 specific things.

1. See a live show
2. Ride an attraction
3. Have something to eat
4. Having something to drink

All of this in one day! I was going to drive there after my morning prayer, devotional, and Bible time, do all of the above, and then drive home. Looking at show times and reviewing menus, I felt I could accomplish all of that and still manage to get home safely. I even booked my reservation at the first park!

Well, anxiety crept in. It wasn't anxiety about the plan. It wasn't anxiety about things like timing or parking. It wasn't even anxiety about the car, gas money, or money to buy food and drinks. I think it was anxiety about falling into the same trap as last year. Going to Disney too much.

Last year, I went every chance I could get. It became expensive, and a bit overwhelming to meet up with so many people all the time. Even though I hadn't planned to meet up with anyone this time and didn't plan on spending a lot for that food and drink, the fear that my year was going to be like it was last year just overwhelmed me today.

I have a planned visit to Disney coming up on the 28th. I'm honestly not looking forward to it. It is the meetup that started it all for me. This meetup is what started my addiction to going there and hanging out with people. That sounds like it would be fun. But that's just not who I am. I enjoy solo trips. I enjoy time with 1 or 2 friends. I don't want to go back to the way things were last year. I just can't...

I ended up canceling my reservation and trip. I just can't do this anymore... I may give up my annual pass as well. I can still always go randomly and buy a day pass when I want to feel the Disney magic. I don't need it all the time and I don't need that anxiety anymore.

Tired

This guy is tired. I'm reaching that time of day when it is just before bedtime. It wasn't a long day or anything. But my mind is ready to shutdown for the day. My final thoughts today are about how I want to redo my apartment. I won't be moving this year. But I'd like to change up everything except the kitchen.

For my bed, I'm thinking about going back to a floor mattress. I miss sleeping on the floor. For the living room, I'd like to replace the couch with something that has me sitting on the floor. Maybe a meditation pillow thing. And perhaps some low seating along the wall. I would love one of those floor tables to eat from as well.

I'll still need some sort of seating for when I have guests. I'm not going to make people sit on the floor. But I'd like to sit down there in my own time. I want to develop a meditative environment in my home. I rarely turn on the TV these days. I can put that in my bedroom and turn that room into more like a den.