Happy St. Patrick's Day

The title today is a little on the nose. But that's okay. This is my journal, right!? hehehe

I feel like this holiday is a part of me in a way. It's proximity to my birthday, plus my part Irish heritage make today a little extra fun. I don't really celebrate it traditionally, though. I did have corned beef and cabbage last night for dinner because of the holiday. But I didn't make it. I ate out with Kerry and his family. We were celebrating his birthday; which is tomorrow on the 18th. I told them it was also my birthday on the 20th.

We went to a little place called H'ours in Tarpon Springs. The owners are neighbors of Kerry. His wife Nancylee and he both told them it was my birthday coming up. So I ended up with a free key lime pie. Yum! I told them it was also Kerry's birthday. He likely got his dessert for free too. But they also brought out a pack of beer from where the owners are originally from as a special gift. We all had a wonderful evening. I also got to meet their son, Brian.

I also had another lovely video call with Chérie yesterday. We talked for quite a while. I think it may have been our longest call to date. One of the topics was our devotional. We started that today. With me being ahead in time zones, I've already reflected and commented on today's. I'm sure I'll hear from Chérie tonight and see it in the morning. We are keeping a Gmail thread going with our notes. We'll be doing this for the next 40 days. I'm grateful for the opportunity to do this with her. I feel it will help us both grow closer to God. And in doing this journey together, also grow our friendship.

She was the first to celebrate my birthday with me. She had on a lovely sweater and even dressed up Mr Long Legs (Bambi) in a little green sweater for me. He decided not to make an appearance on camera, though...hehehe But she did manage to snap some selfies with him and sent those to me. Yep, those are saved in a special album to keep for the rest of my life...hehehe This birthday is already more special than years past. I'm so blessed! Thank you, Chérie, so much. I'm not sure I property thanked you on the call. If not, please know that I appreciated yesterday so very much!

Overall, I'd say I've had an interesting weekend. Especially today. I imagine I could write quite a bit about all of it. But I'm still processing everything. Something I know for sure is that some of it feels great and some of it not so great. I'm both happy and sad. I'm not sure that makes any sense. I will say this, though, the happy is much stronger than the sad.

I do not recall a time in my life where sad felt okay. Knowing that the sadness is far weaker than the happiness is a fantastic feeling. So I'm definitely okay with the little bit of sadness I feel right now.

One thing I am sad about is that I know I need to move. I'm far from settled anyway. But lately, I've been reminded that I don't really belong where I am. Which is funny because I'm about to sign my lease renewal this week...hehehe I'll be staying here for another year at least. The biggest problem with my current apartment is the proximity to the pool. The other big reason to move, and definitely related, is my love for the beach.

Both of those sound like weird things to be concerned about, but I will state the obvious problem for me. There are a number of not-so-modest women at the pool and the beach. I'm all for people living their lives and expressing themselves how they feel. That just means I need to move. The bathing suits so many women wear today resemble what I would think is best for the marriage bedroom. I'm not judging. In fact, if a women feels that confident and sexy wearing those things, that is great for them. I highly doubt any of them are Christian. If they are, then perhaps they don't understand the importance of modesty. However, my thoughts and lusts aren't their responsibility. That's my problem! So you'll never hear me telling them what they should and should not wear.

I decided to go to the beach today. It was later in the evening and I thought it wouldn't be all that crowded. I was wrong, of course. It wasn't summer months crowded. But there were quite a few people enjoying the warmth today. But that meant I needed to avert my eyes so many times when I was in the areas where there were women. It became quite frustrating for me, actually. I even had some moments where I felt this might be the last time I go to that beach. Hence the sadness. I don't blame those women. I blame my human nature. I'm a man who is attracted to women. That's okay so long as I don't sin. And something that helps prevent my sin is averting my eyes. My growth has taught me to look away. There is no shame in that. And I can honestly say there is no shame in how those women dress. Again, it isn't their responsibility to control what goes on in my head.

I don't know how I would feel about this if I were a woman. I would love a woman's perspective on this. But until I can talk to a female friend about how to approach this, I'll keep averting my eyes. The alternative just isn't worth it. If I ever marry again, I want to be the man who only has eyes for her...whomever she is. It isn't because I feel like I owe her that. It is because I want to be that man for her. It is what God has called me to be. It isn't about her and it isn't about me. It is about God.

I went to my church physically and then also attended Calvary Chapel GS virtually again this week. Both the worship and teaching styles are vastly different. I find that to be comforting, actually. I appreciate the different approaches to worshiping God and learning from His Word. Pastor Q (my church) has that life application style nailed down. Pastor Raul (Calvary Chapel) has the deep dive, old school style that I grew up with. Both have value, and I'm learning from both this month. That's a great way to enter into the Resurrection celebration coming up! We'll see if I continue to do this after Easter or not. It started as a way to experience church with Chérie as part of our friendship growth. But that isn't enough. My faith journey is mine. And my focus on His Kingdom supersedes any human relationships.

It seems as though last year I was avoiding church on Easter. I'm not fond of those sort of crowds. I'm fine with crowds in places where I can escape. But the church sanctuary isn't a place you can really escape from and still experience church. I might as well stay home and watch online in that case. I probably should have done that last year. I think I may have just gone to Disney instead...hehehe

This year is a bit different. As of now, I play to attend the earliest service at theChapel (my church) followed by the sonrise service for Calvary Chapel GS (virtually) right after. And then I am planning to have Easter brunch with Kerry and his family at H'ours in Tarpon Springs. That will be a busy morning! But I like that! It will distract me from the crowds I am usually afraid of on such an eventful day. I'll have my time with God, then my virtual time with Chérie, followed by further fellowship with Kerry and family. I do wonder if I should work out another call with Chérie that day to go over Calvary Chapel? By then I'll have experienced enough with that church to discuss. More on that later.

I had one of my emotional breakdowns/breakthroughs today. It wasn't bad or good. It was a mix of happiness and sadness. It is so difficult to explain. It is like, yeah, I'm okay. But at the same time, something is broken. It cannot really be explained in human terms. Or, at least, I can't explain it...hehehe

I'm so happy with so many things right now. I can honestly say I am happy right now. I'm not sure I have ever been this happy before. The answers I am getting to my prayers have been great. No, the answers aren't always what I want or expected. But I fully accept them. That has been very much a part of my growth of late. Being told no or wait has been accompanied by Peace. All of the yes or here it comes feel great and Peaceful. But lately, so have all the nos and waits. It feels so weird to say that. But here we are!...hehehe

Setting boundaries this year has also been a huge happiness booster. Telling people no or wait myself has been most helpful for my own mental and spiritual health. Just tonight, I had to say both wait and no to a few things. And neither were met with anger. They were met with okays and a thumbs up...hehehe I had a similar experience yesterday that ultimately turned into a yes after a wait. And another case today when my being offline and not immediately responding to someone was also well received. I mean nothing personal when I have to wait to respond, or tell someone no, or ask them to wait. In the past, I was always trying to be there immediately for everyone at my own expense. I'm not doing that anymore. And that is helping my own happiness.

As for my sadness, I don't really know what to say. It isn't strong. It's just there, you know. It's like that little 3 leaf clover wanting so badly to be a 4 leaf shamrock. Sure, the 4th leaf is good luck. But the 3 leaves of the typical clover is still beautiful. Both produce a flower that the Thumpers of the world love to eat. But as Thumper's father would say, the greens still need eaten. 3 leaves or 4, I'm grateful for the happiness and sadness. A good balance keeps me both strong and humble.