So, I wrote a poem...
This is Not a Test
I'm learning quite a bit this year...hehehe I'm really excited about all that this life is teaching me. For a while, I thought I was a failure at so many things. I'd mentally beat myself up over every little thing I messed up in my life. That negative self-talk created a landfill style landscape in my mind that made it difficult to feel any sort of love for the good parts about who I am. I received a text this morning that sounded like something I use to tell myself when I was struggling with the darkest moments of my life. I'll dissect it here in a bit. But it prompted me to think about how my thought life has changed these last 3-4 years; especially the improvements occurring this year. I'll likely turn this into Vitamin G someday...hehehe As for today, it is a poem...
I use to feel like a failure.
But life is a lesson.
I'm still learning,
This is not a test.
I'm still growing.
I'm accountable for my own actions.
I'm not accountable for anyone else.
Therefore, this is not a test.
I fall down and get back up.
I don't keep trying.
I keep doing,
Because this is not a test.
I apply the lessons I'm learning.
I keep moving forward.
It isn't about passing or failing,
As this is not a test.
The past is gone.
The future isn't here yet.
All I have is now.
So, this is not a test.
It's just homework,
Preparing me for what's next.
I'm to make the most of what I have today,
And this is not a test.
Text from redacted
The text I received revealed a struggle I've seen in my own heart through the years. I'll not judge whether this person was right or wrong with what they said. That is between them and God. I'm reflecting on how I have changed from feeling the way this person seems to be feeling today to someone who sees myself and others quite differently. Although they were taking responsibility for their actions and the consequences that resulted, it reminded me how I have taken that too far in my own life. I start by taking responsibility...but then go that extra mile to claim I had been hurting my family for years and their actions are my responsibility as well.
While it is good and well to take responsibility for my actions, I cannot take responsibility for their response or reactions. What I need to do is repent and not repeat the actions. I need to change my behavior. It is really up to them whether or not they forgive me or love me. I feel conviction for how I affect the lives of others when that impact is of a negative nature. And I hope they can learn from it all as I have.
Then there is the other side of this coin. What actions are they responsible for that impacted me? In the text, this person was taking responsibility for the actions of others. Just as it was with me in the past, they felt they had been hurting their family for years and that they deserved dishonor and disrespect. They believe honor and respect are to be earned. I use to feel that way about myself too. Which means honor and respect can be something that is lost. I actually no longer feel that way. The Bible seems to indicate honor and respect are something I am to give regardless. It is the same as with my love. All of these things are about the condition of my own heart, not whether they deserve it or not. Likewise, if they dishonor or disrespect me even when I'm in the wrong, that is about the condition of their heart, not whether I deserve it.
Something else that caught my attention is that they said seeking human praise and glory is sin. Is it, though? I suppose the answer depends on context and intention. But that's the case with anything. On the surface, this doesn't seem like a sin to me. According to the New Oxford American Dictionary, a sin is an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law or an act regarded as a serious or regrettable fault, offense, or omission. Although seeking praise and glory as validation from others can be self-serving and possibly narcissistic, does that make it a sin? If doing so causes one to violate the first few of the 10 commandments, then I suppose that could be quantified as a sin.
Only God and ourselves know what the condition our hearts are in. That really is the only way to answer any of this anyway. That's why I am writing this out in my journal. I'm not posing any of these questions to them. My response to them was to remind them to forgive themselves and apply what they were learning for next time. Sometimes it's just best to listen. I don't know enough about any of this to be able to really discuss it with them. Sometimes we are to rebuke our brothers and sisters in Christ to help them course correct. But that's only when called to do so and when we know what the Word says about whatever the matter is in the context of sin. Since I'm unsure about it all in the context of what they are dealing with, I don't feel I should say anything further to them at this time. However, their text did inspire the above poem. So I'm glad they reached out to me...hehehe
Great Expectations Revisited
About 2 and half months ago, I wrote Great Expectations where I contemplated the correlation between expectations and how I respond to my world. The above poem got me thinking about that again. And then I saw a meme today that read:
Someone asked me
"Who hurt you?"I replied:
"My own expectations."
Ever since I wrote Great Expectations (not to be confused with the great literary work by Charles Dickens...hehehe), I have been applying what I've learned. I am happy to say it is working quite well. One of the principles I have adopted is to expect nothing from my friends. I mean that literally. What I do instead is simply accept whatever it is they do. So far, they have all treated me well...hehehe In the event that a friend violates one of my boundaries, a conversation will likely need to take place...LOL But generally speaking, those whom I consider friends today are really great people. I don't see any of them doing anything to me that will intentionally cause me any pain. I'm speaking in the context of my previous journal entry, of course.
I do wonder if I previously did my friends a disservice by having expectations of them when they most likely had none for me. In the friendships where I've started to pull back a little, none of them have reached out to let me know they have been hurt by my change in attention. When I send them a text, they respond to the context of said text. When we do meet up, the conversations spark up as if we haven't been apart for as long as we have. It would seem I've been the only one affected by my loneliness...hehehe I am so relieved by that! Part of my worry has been if I have been a good enough friend...hehehe Perhaps I have had too high of expectations for myself...LOL
The best evidence of how well I'm doing with this was Father's Day. On Saturday, Malachi told me he planned to call me on Sunday for Father's Day. So, he set the expectation. Sometime that day, he texted to say he would have to call me later in the day as he unexpectedly had to spend time with his maternal grandfather with his mother. Note: at this point he had not actually said Happy Father's Day. When he texted me, I responded that wasn't a problem and I told him to wish his grandfather a Happy Father's Day on behalf. He relayed that message and his grandfather reciprocated in kind. That's when his mother texted to apologize for not telling me Happy Father's Day sooner; which she wasn't actually telling me either as she only apologized for not saying it...LOL The day came to an end and there was no phone call or text wishing me a Happy Father's Day from my son. (or his mother...hehehe)
In my own heart, I had already set the expectation that I would not get to talk to him. On my birthday, he and his mother both neglected to wish me a Happy Birthday this year. So, I was prepared for this scenario. On Monday, Malachi texted to apologize for not calling. At this point, he still had not wished me a Happy Father's Day...LOL Here was my response:
No worries at all! We had the Blessing of talking on Saturday. God knew we weren’t going to be able to talk on Father’s Day. So, He gave us the opportunity to speak the day before. It was like our own private Father’s Day 🤗💚💙
He never responded back to me after that. That's what I have come to expect from him. He is still a teenager technically speaking...hehehe I've painted this brief narrative so I can show how one might expect me to be justifiably upset. But I'm not whatsoever. If God hadn't been transforming my heart this year, I might have been upset. 2 and half months ago, I began a short journey to this moment of peace. I'm neither angry nor disappointed with Malachi. I would have been pleasantly surprised had this gone the other way...hehehe But I'm still full of joy without the words and actions of my son on Father's Day.
I'm proud to be his father. He's a good guy. Someday he'll grow into a wonderful man. I hope he grows toward God. Even if it doesn't, though, I'm still glad I am his father. My love for him isn't based on who he is or what he does. My love for him is unconditional. It isn't about what I can get from my relationship with him. It's about what I can give to him. I've made myself available to God for providing what he needs from me as his earthly father.
As I've learned to love my son, I'm learning to love my friends. Those closest to me get the same type of love my son is getting now. It's agape love. It's the unconditional dedication to put their needs above my own. To let go of my own expectations and simply allow myself to be available to God to provide them with whatever their needs may be as my friend. This transformation has brought me inexplicable Peace. Could I be learning how to love in the manor of which Jesus talked about? I did ask Him to show me...hmmm...hehehe