Rest and Reflection

I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and decided I wanted to sleep in as much as I could this morning...hehehe So I slept in...hehehe Yesterday I slept in a little too. But yesterday it was basically that I went back to sleep after my alarm. Today, I pushed me alarm out well past my normal time. I sensed my body needing some rest today. And then in another plot twist, I ended up taking a nap this afternoon...hehehe I had been noticing my brain going through some fatigue last week. So perhaps it needed that extra rest this weekend. I'm feeling fine otherwise...with the exception of the fact I gained about 5 lbs in the last week...LOL I'll keep a close eye on my body and see if it is telling me anything. I hope these aren't warning signs...hehehe I'm certain everything is okay.

I took my normal morning walk this morning. But it was a bit different in a good way. I was offered a dog biscuit...they were joking, of course. I then took a few photos. I then was told good morning sweetie by a neighbor I do not really know yet. I enjoyed being referred to as sweetie as a term of endearment. It has been a while since someone has done that for me. This same neighbor thanked me for my kindness last week when I interacted with her dog. By the way, the dog biscuit offer was from a different neighbor...hehehe I then snapped a photo of a yellow flower that later shriveled up in the afternoon sun. So I'm glad I snapped that warm hug before it was gone forever! Just before my walk was over, I enjoyed some birds flying overhead and enjoyed a moment watching the fountain. It was a blessed way to start the day.

My weekly church experience was a bit different today as well...again, in a good way. Beginning in March, I was attending theChapel physically and then virtually attending service at Calvary Chapel Golden Springs in Diamond Bar, California. At the end of June, I left theChapel but continued going to CCGS. In fact, I physically went to CCGS on my trip to California. When I returned home, I started to virtually attend New Day Christian Church out of Port Charlotte, Florida. While I was in California, I started to sense my time at CCGS was coming to an end. Or at the very least, it was time for a break. Having been attending two churches since March was taking a toll on me. So today, I decided I would only attend NDCC and did not tune in for CCGS. It seems right to try to focus on a single church service for the time being.

Similar to how my brain was telling me it needed some rest, my soul was telling me it too needs some rest. My daily time in prayer and scripture has been going great. But the Sunday worship and message from a pastor experience was starting to weight heavy on my heart. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm just thinking that splitting my church experiences between multiple places isn't ideal. It had its purpose in the season of life I was going through at the time. But that season is now over and the next has begun. I'm not entirely sure what this new season in this area will be like. And that's okay. I didn't know what that last season was going to be like either...hehehe As long as I continue to grow and be drawn to Jesus, I think I'll be just fine.

The other day, I started a journal entry that remains unfinished. As I was writing it, it started to seem like it might become a chapter of a book or something. I'll likely do that regardless. But I do wonder if I'll finish it as a journal entry or not...LOL As I was trying to wrap it up, I realized I needed to give it some time before I publish it. It's mostly about how I am finding happiness lately. It feels like a heartwarming chapter of my life. The concepts I explore in it are relatively new to me, though. So I wasn't sure if I've given it all enough thought to actually put out here on my blog. Having written so much that day but not publishing it reminds me, that when there are gaps in my journal writing, it may not always be that I've taken a break or that I didn't have anything to say. Sometimes it's that I have incomplete thoughts that aren't ready just yet.

I've been re-reading my journal from this year. I've already read all of January. It has been great going back to my thoughts from earlier this year to see how my today was shaped by my yesterday. Imagine what it would have been like had I journaled my whole life...hehehe I don't have all of it now, but I did use to journal years ago. I would love to be able to read those entries again. But I am grateful that I started journaling now. I actually started last year. But it wasn't online at the time. I still have those entries in a private archive. Perhaps I should copy them here in this journal...hmmm...hehehe

Something I have yet to start is a raw, and truly private, journal. I suppose one reason is that most of my raw thoughts lately have just been things I talk to God about. I'm learning to pray to Him with my raw thoughts and feelings. I don't have anything raw to write down right now. So, pretty much anything I want to write can be seen by anybody here in this journal. It does make me wonder, though. Are there deep thoughts I'm not yet exploring? Doesn't everyone have thoughts they would never share with another person but still things that need to be processed? Should I be concerned that there might be something under the surface waiting to erupt? Probably not...hehehe But it is something I do wonder about.

One reason I wonder about such things is that I have often experienced times when things seemed to be going really well but then something hugely bad happens out of seemingly nowhere. I see things as a balance. So when things are really bad or really good, something good or bad comes around to keep things in balance...hehehe This isn't a universal truth by any means. Just something that seems common in my life. Last year was a really rough year. This year has been a really smooth year. Again, seems like life is balancing itself? Does that mean next year is going to be rough again? Probably not...hehehe I just wonder if I should start up a private journal where I write my deepest and private thoughts? Not having many of those right now seems okay. But when I do need to process that raw stuff, perhaps starting a habit of private reflection now will prepare me for when such a season might occur in the future.

I've previously mentioned possibly writing a memoir someday. I had since dismissed the idea. My reason for writing one was to be able to heal from all that had happened to me. Since I have been experiencing a great deal of healing this year from some of that, I started to think a memoir was unnecessary. I'm back to reconsidering it once again. But this time, it may just be a raw and private journal as opposed to anything I might publish. One of my concerns is that I have a lot to say that can impact people who are still alive. Sure, I could change the names to protect the guilty. But some of it would clearly be understood as specific people in my life. I do not feel outing those people as perpetrators is a healthy way of me coping with my raw, deep thoughts and feelings...hehehe As I have been dealing with forgiveness this year, I am experiencing the sort of healing I was expecting from writing a memoir...but without writing a single word. That's a really great thing, I think. I'd still like to write it all out, though. Who knows, maybe writing it all out could lead to something else? Maybe it could all become a series of short stories or a novel that is considered fiction...hehehe No one else needs to know they are based on true stories...LOL

Quickly back to this being a really smooth year. Some of the things I've talked about this year didn't sound smooth. But I feel like I handled them well because I talked about them and processed those things as they happened. That made it easier to handle those things. So if something in my journal seems like it was rough, it was easier to manage by processing it in realtime. I've also had many private conversations with those I'm closest to. Those conversations may seems like I was having a rough time. Sure, it may have been a little rough in the moment. But overall, the fact that I was able to talk about those things with those closest to me means that I'm handling it in a healthy way. That is why I use the term smooth for how this year has been going for me. Especially compared to last year...yikes! LOL

I have these moments when I feel really stupid. I either say or do something that leaves me feeling like I'm not all that smart. Or sometimes it's simply that I didn't understand something and later realized how obvious that thing was. I use to beat myself up over things like that. Tonight, I had one of those moments. I caught myself just before the beat up stage, though...hehehe I reminded myself that I was someplace new and that what was happening was something I didn't understand because it wasn't something I had never experienced before. I ended up brushing it off and enjoyed watching the rain as it struck the umbrellas over tables just outside the window I was sitting next to. I wanted to be outside in that moment. But being able to watch the rain was good enough. The brief moment of feeling stupid was washed away like the rain was doing just outside the window.

Allergy update...hehehe It has now been 2 weeks since I stopped taking medication for my allergies. I'm happy to report that I remain in a well state. I've sneezed twice in those 2 weeks. Each time it was 3 sneezes. When I was younger, and before medication, I would always sneeze exactly 3 times. After moving to Florida and needing to be on medication daily, I would get these sneezing fits where I would sneeze for about 3 minutes. It's hard to say how many times I would sneeze in those 3 minutes...LOL I think it's an excellent sign that I'm now back to just 3 sneezes anytime I sneeze...hehehe