It's Going to be Okay
I'm Tired
Yesterday, I sat down to write. I had been taking notes all day and it seemed as though I had plenty to say. But when I went to write, I didn't want to say anything. I was watching "Jesus Revolution" at the time and couldn't really focus on the words to write anyway.
I believe the theme for yesterday was "I'm tired." I'm tired of the battles. I'm tired of the struggles. I'm tired of life being so hard all the time. I'm simply tired of the "keep going!" I think one of my most common encouragements to people is to keep going. Yet, I am tired of keeping the going myself.
If that is one of my most common, I'd said another one is, "that's okay." Because it is! It's okay that I feel this way. Life really is hard. The battles, the struggles, the keeping going are all hard. Suffering the consequences of my past is very much a part of being alive. So, if it makes me tired, that's okay.
In my initial prayer and Bible time this morning, God presented me with a passage that I believe applies to how I was feeling yesterday. Matthew 11:28-30 states,
Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
This seems to always come up when I'm feeling the weight of my world upon my shoulders. It is a splendid misery and glorious burden I carry in my world. Thomas Jefferson wrote about the office of the President being "but a splendid misery." Such phrasing truly resonates with me. Although I have experienced making many mistakes and suffering from trauma, I find joy in being able to share what can be learned from those experiences with others.
As a human, I cannot help but to focus on negative aspects of what I've been through. As a child of God, I also know that if I look to Him for help, and focus more on what He can do through those experiences, the weight of it all is not so unbearable anymore. So I gladly endure the joyous conflict raging in my soul with the Grace only God can provide through Jesus Christ.
He endured far greater pain and conflict than I or the office of the President will ever endure. He did so for the forgiveness of the sin which causes all of the burdens in my life. Not just my sin, but those of the ones who sinned against me. I forgive them and I forgive myself. In the forgiveness, I will find rest.
Feeding Body and Soul
Another common theme I can draw from my notes yesterday is about how I feed myself. Everything I feed my body and everything I feed my mind directly affects and influences how I feel and how I think. Being on a physical, spiritual, and mental health journey this past year has truly opened my mind's eye to how I had been treating myself all these years.
But it has also brought to light how I have allowed others to treat me. I cannot control what others say to or about me. I cannot control what they do to me. However, I can control how I react or respond to them. I can control how I feel about it all. And I can control who and what has access to me.
As I continue to provide my body the nourishment it requires, and so long as I only feed my mind good quality content, it seems as though I have better control over how I think and feel. This seems relatively obvious as I'm writing it. However, the world has a way of making the junk I previously fed my body and mind seem like a great idea. At first glance, it all seems harmless. But over time, the body and mind take what it cannot process and stores it in such a way that it begins to fester.
Proverbs 4:20-27 is a lighthouse of sorts to keep me focused on the safe path and away from the dangers this world presents me,
My son, attend to my words. Turn your ear to my sayings. Let them not depart from your eyes. Keep them in the center of your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and health to their whole body. Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life. Put away from yourself a perverse mouth. Put corrupt lips far from you. Let your eyes look straight ahead. Fix your gaze directly before you. Make the path of your feet level. Let all of your ways be established. Don’t turn to the right hand nor to the left. Remove your foot from evil.
In doing so, I can listen to what God is telling me through my body and my mind. And lately, my body has been telling me some of the food and drink I have consumed has not been good for me. Furthermore, my mind is telling me some of the content I have watched or read has not been great for me either.
One of the food items I have found to cause me issues is candy. During my 21 days of prayer and fasting, that is something I gave up. I'm so glad I did. My body was warning me about my sweet tooth. But I wasn't listening. During those 3 weeks, my body was yelling at me to tell me that how I have been feeling without candy is how I need to feel...LOL It has now been almost a month since I've had that junk. And I'm not going back!
The same is also true about my TV entertainment choices. I had always been like, "Oh, this show is harmless." Well, going 3 weeks without those "harmless" shows has proven to also be beneficial. Although I have turned the TV on a few times this week, none of my usual entertainment has grabbed my attention. With my reduced time for watching TV, I have scrutinized what I'll be watching. So far, it feels so much better. I've even had moments when I just don't feel like turning on the TV. So I don't!
Just as with TV, I have been limiting my time on social media. Although my own content seems to be uplifting for others, I have found that social media as a whole adds absolutely no value to my life. The majority of the content on there is depressing. And I cannot express just how horrible I feel after reading about all the hate in this world. At the start of this year, I would still post my content. But then I would avoid scrolling. And as of late, I've pulled back on most of my own posting. Generally speaking, social media is just plain bad for my mental health.
I don't drink a lot of coffee or alcohol. But there are sometimes when I do drink either of them more than I should have. When I switched to the pour over, slow pour, coffee method a few weeks ago, I have found that I have been drinking twice as much as before. And then on Tuesday at the coffee shop, I ended up having so much coffee that I felt ill most of the day. So these past few days, I haven't had coffee at all. I feel so much better today physically as a result. I may give up coffee completely. I'm not quite sure yet. But we'll see.
As for alcohol, I'm considering giving that up completely as well. Just like social media, it provides no actual value to my life. For the most part, I have been a social drinker. I rarely keep alcohol at home. There have been times in my life that I used it to escape stress and whatnot. But alcohol has never been something I abused. There are certain types that go quite well with some of the food I prepare. The more I think about it, though, it does not enhance any experience so well that I feel I need it. And scientifically speaking, alcohol is a toxin the body doesn't really know what to do with. So why am I feeding my body with it?!? Again, I'm not quite sure yet if I'll give it up completely. But we'll see.
At the conclusion of the 21 days this past weekend, I felt different. I am indeed different! And as I mentioned then, I want to stay different. I want to embrace this difference. As I reevaluate everything in my life, I'm going to think and act differently than before. My body and mind deserve this.
Transition
This week brought with it news that a transition has begun at work. The board of directors and the "C" level management have decided to outsource a large portion of our operation. Now, as scary as that sounds, part of the agreement being made with the company this is being outsourced to includes provisioning a transition of most of the employees to the other company.
Although there is a good chance I'll be one of those transitioning, it still leaves a level of uncertainty in my vibe. What is the new company like? What changes will be made to my day-to-day work? Should I be looking into new opportunities in the event I'm not chosen to transition over? The unknowns can pile up!
Fortunately, I know who my provider is. Throughout my life, I have faced these sort of transitions time and time again. And in each case, God has always provided. I've been on welfare. I've been on disability. And every single time, God has helped me rise above my circumstances to achieve what I need to do in order to meet my needs. And I've also been blessed with a lot of things I just really wanted.
When the news first hit my email inbox, I immediately thanked God for all that He has provided in my life. I'm not talking hyperbole here. That was my literal first reaction. My second reaction was, "Well, I'm sure we'll have meetings about this tomorrow. I'm going to go ahead and log off now." The email came at the end of business on Tuesday...hehehe
News like this hits different when I remain focused on who my provider is. It isn't my employer. And it isn't me. Sure, I work hard. Sure, the company I work for pays me. But the bottom line is that God is the true Provider in my life. He is my Creator. He is my God. He is my Counselor. He is my Rock and in Him is who I Trust.
Okay, now that I have said that, there are frequently moments when I fail to remain strong. It really isn't a gap in my faith or anything. It is just the realization that there are still unknowns involved every single time. The only constant is that God is providing. So, although I have peace about this, there remains a part of me which fears what will happen next. As such, I am putting some of my plans for the year on hold until I have some answers to the direction this transition will be taking me.
Maintenance Mode
I believe I am entering in a season of maintenance for my over all health. I have met most of my health goals. Even those that came up after my initial goal of just feeling good. So, my diet is going into a sort of "let's explore" type mode. My spirituality is on track so far. And I'm carefully considering the content I'm consuming and setting boundaries for my mental health.
All of this, combined with my work situation, will give me a chance to explore new things right where I am living. I'll be seeking out new parks to explore. And I'll likely find some new places to kayak and paddle board. My parents gave me a new paddle board for Christmas. So I'm definitely looking forward to get out on the water once the weather warms a little.
After the year I just experienced, I'm ready for maintenance mode. I'm ready to just relax a bit more and take in the world God has built around me. It will mean a lot less trips to Orlando! Which is likely a great thing. That place is expensive and it wasn't always best for my mental health. I love my friends there, Disney, and Universal. But most of the unpleasant moments last year happened in Orlando.
Sadly, putting my plans on hold until things calm down at work means I won't be planning any trips just yet. I wanted to go to North Carolina, Texas, and California this year. A California trip my still happen after the transition. But it seems most of what I was hoping to do this year may not happen after all. And that's okay!
Perhaps this season of my life will teach me the importance of simplicity. Trying new experiences is great and all. But at the same time, some new experiences bring with them complexity. Plus all of the anxiety that I get when I step outside my comfort zone. Don't get me wrong, I think stepping out is a good thing. But I did so much of that last year that it completely overwhelmed me. Now, I'm looking forward to taking smaller steps this year! Just outside the comfort zone at times. But right up against it as well...LOL
The Book
I still haven't settled in on a name for my first book. However, I think I have finally settled on number of chapters and section division. The concept of how our world goes through 4 seasons each year, and how I equate the seasons of life through mine, has inspired the idea of dividing the book into 4 parts. One for each season.
I'm not quite sure if I'll group related chapters together to form those seasonal divides. But what I do plan on doing is writing 13 chapters for each season. That will create 52 total chapters. One for each week of the year. Each week will have a sort of theme for that week for the reader to focus on and enable them to put what they have read into practice.
Having this format will also make it more organic to include the Bible study supplement as the reader goes through the book. Each day can have supporting scripture to meditate on with guided prayer.
At this point, it is only an idea. But I feel it is an inspired one. It will take a lot of work to accomplish the tasks outside of the main content of the 52 chapters. Those chapters are honestly the easy part. I believe the most difficult part of this project will be the spiritual battle that wages on. The enemy is bound to shout doubts at me and my own inner voice will be tempted to remind me of the shame I've felt most of my life.
That is where my "team" will come in handy. I rely on editors to review my work in progress so I can have early feedback. I choose people who will not only help iron out the content, but will also pray with and over me as the work is being done.
New Month
Well, we are in a new month for 2024. Woohoo!!! I had seen people talk about January is just one big "Monday." I certainly do not feel that way. The month went by quickly. And I happen to love Mondays. This hasn't always been the case for me. But when you have the outlook I have now, you begin to appreciate every day, month, and season for what it is!